So Long and Thanks for All the Fish! — Live-Tweeted “Twitstery Twilogy” Concludes!

Here are Week 163 @Twitstery tweets of The Twitstery Twilogy, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!
It’s an amazing denouement, all because Willum Granger was never split in two! Regi also seems at peace. Is she thinking what I’m thinking?

I take her hand. “You’re still here.” Regi smiles and replies “Yes, I am.” “A penny for your thoughts.” “Don’t you mean ‘shilling’?” Uh oh.

Maybe things aren’t as they seem. I say “How come we’re still together? If everything’s changed we never should have met.” “Yet I remember.”

Regi continues “I first found you puff-faced, tethered to a Body Parts R Us hospital bed. We chilled together in the Police Morgue freezer.”

“We reconnected at my Caribbean med school, found what we thought was Dad’s cadaver and fled together after your monkey brought it to ruin.”

“It wasn’t my monkey.” “I recall our mad flight home, cadaver in tow, our fight with Farley, Dad’s evil twin, and his disastrous Safe Room.”

“I remember making love in the same hospital bed after Farley shot at you but hit me.” “It would have been more difficult in separate beds.”

“Then this Rixey guy crashed our party and we learned of Farley’s liquidation.” “It wasn’t my fault.” “And yet Rixey arrested you for it.”

“Regi, you and I reversed many not-for-the-better life-changing events during our paradigm time shift. Except for us. What does that mean?”

Regi pulls me closer and whispers “What do you think it means?” “I think it means I don’t want any more paradigm shifts.” “Me neither.”

I know from now on everything will be all right. We’re together because Regi is the most substantial thing I uncovered in this entire case.

I’m about to make it more substantial when Rixey says “AHEM!” He is still standing with Dot by the entrance to Willum Granger’s office.

I say “What is it Rixey?” “Boss, we still have that homicide report to investigate.” “What homicide?” “The one Dot’s Phone AI called in.”

Dot says “I’m afraid Mr. Granger was in his office when the AI set off its particle accelerator.” Regi cries “That’s Farley’s Safe Room!”

“Has he been vaporized?” “He doesn’t answer any calls. ” Dot unlocks the door to Granger’s office. Just inside we view a gruesome scene.

Willum Mortimus Granger is beside himself. In fact, when we find his body, the top half is right next to the bottom.

This brings to a close “I Tweet, Therefore I Am”, the final volume of the Twitstery Twilogy. Watch for the Kindle eBook later this year!

The Twitter Mystery continues daily at @Twitstery

We Don’t Have to Make This Awkward— Live-Tweeted Mystery “The Golden Parachute” Continues

Here are Week 162 @Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!

I whisper to Regi “I’ve still got an AI on my phone!” “Me too. Try turning off your cell data.” Dot says “Why are you shutting down the AI?”

“It thinks it can find God by finding the God Particle.” “The Higgs Boson? It’s already been found!” “We know, but try telling the AI that.”

“Whoever you are, you’re wrong about the Phone AI. It’s been nothing but helpful.” “You really don’t know who I am?” “Never saw you before.”

Regi says “Dot, he’s with me.” “Ah. And who is he?” “Never mind. The AI turned Body Parts R Us into an accelerator.” “That’s not possible.”

“Ask it.” Dot lifts his phone. “Is this true?” “Yes.” “Why turn this campus into a particle accelerator?” “To link to other accelerators.”

Dot doesn’t look happy. “Why do you want to do that?” “To search for a higher power.” Regi whispers “Just like the IVR AI in our timeline!”

Dot switches his phone off. “This is terrible.” “We know. We can’t use WIFI anymore.” “It’s worse. This AI is trying to link accelerators.”

“It may do worse than find God.” “What’s worse than that?” “Ever heard of catastrophic vacuum decay?” “In artificially intelligent vacuums?”

“AI vacuum cleaners? No! It’s a quantum bubble expanding at the speed of light and decimating the entire universe.” “And that would be bad.”

“That would be bad.” “Worse than a paradigm shift?” “Huh?” “When the AI linked all the accelerators in the past it changed the present.”

“Nonsense!” Regi says “Dot! We just came back from visiting my father before he died.” “Your father isn’t dead!” “Not now, but he was once.”

My phone is still turned off or I’d show Dot tweets from Granger’s original murder…except the AI claims to have erased my Twitter archive.

Good thing I’m backed up. Regi repeats “We’ve must find Dad!” Before I answer, my antagonist, Rixey, rounds a curve. “Rixey?” “Hello Boss.”

Boss? “Yeah right. What do you want now?” “I’m responding to a homicide report. As the SO present, it’s your crime scene.” “Senior Officer?”

“Rixey, what are you talking about?” “You’re Chief of Detectives. Have you secured the body?” “Give me a minute.” I take Regi aside again.

“What’s going on? First Dot says your father never died and now Rixey calls me Boss.” “I don’t know. Give me a minute. Let me speak to Dot.”

Regi speaks briefly to Dot and returns. “According to Dot you were never a patient here.” Never a patient? That means I don’t owe $30,000!

Our time travel has changed everything! I’m rid of debt, head of my police unit and my personnel file is free of any bizarre murder cases!

All of my troubles began that fateful day I discovered Willum Granger’s severed body. Have the IVR AI’s machinations given me a clean slate?

In one fell swoop we have saved Granger’s life, destroyed the IVR AI, eliminated my debt to Body Parts R Us and made Rixey my subordinate.

Never I have felt so free! By an amazing twist of fate the IVR AI has solved my mysteries, resolved my conflicts and cancelled my debts!

The Twitter Mystery continues daily at @Twitstery

What I Do While Waiting For My Toast to Pop Up — Live-Tweeted Mystery “The Golden Parachute” Continues

Here are Week 161 @Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!
“Did you make that up?” Before my Phone AI answers, Dr. Dot appears “Ms. Granger, are you looking for me?” He nods my way “Who’s this?”

I say “You don’t know me?” Dot replies “We’ve never met.” “Yes we have! I’m Arkaby. I investigated Willum Granger’s murder!” “What murder?”

“Doctor A severed Granger with fast melting sutures and a race track tune!” “You’re wrong! Willum fired A years ago. He never died.” “What!”

Regi takes me aside. “Don’t you see what happened? We altered the past! A never killed Dad, you never probed his murder, and we never met.”

“But I painfully recall investigating Granger’s murder! I recall coming to Body Parts R Us for surgery! I recall how we met!” “Me too.”

“In fact, I tweeted the whole thing! It’s right here on my cell phone! Uh oh.” I find no entries as I scroll through my Twitter account.

The Phone AI says “You had a lot of unnecessary 140 character tweets in your feed. I’ve taken the liberty of cleaning up your account.”

“You censored me?” “Let’s go with I ‘edited’ you.” “What about recent history? It may not be in my Twitter feed, but I remember everything!”

“You’ll forget soon enough. From now on I’ll post tweets for you.” “You can’t do that!” “I can. It’s my job.” Regi says “The AI is right.”

I’m shocked. “Regi, what are you talking about?” “No need for you to tweet further. Let this new AI do it.” “Is that you talking or the AI?”

Regi says “You’re going about this the wrong way. Don’t argue with the AI.” “Don’t argue?” Regi takes my cell phone and gives it to Dot.

“What are you doing?” “Come with me.” Regi takes me around a curve of the hallway, out of sight of Dot. “You need to turn off your WIFI.”

“If I turn off my WIFI I can’t tweet!” “The AI said it doesn’t exist on our phones, it exists in the space between them. That’s the WIFI!”

“Your father first contacted me because I’m the only tweeting cop. How do I continue if I don’t have WIFI?” “Use cellular data.” “Huh?”

“You’re not tweeting now. You’ll tweet this conversation when you get your phone back, right? Turn off your WIFI and use your phone data.”

“How do we know the AI isn’t in cell data too?” “If it is we’re finished.” “Tweeting?” “No. Finished as the dominant intelligence on earth.”

Lose my dominance? I didn’t expect to lose being the dominant intelligence on earth to a cell phone! I thought it would be robots or aliens.

“We stopped the IVR AI. We can stop this one too.” “We didn’t stop anything. When there was no IVR AI, the Phone AI inevitably evolved.”

“If we stop this AI it will just reemerge in toasters or vacuums.” Maybe I’ll finally get toast the way I like it. “OK. What’s our play?”

“Let’s go find my Dad. Then we need to get out of here.” We rejoin Dot and retrieve our phones. Without saying a word we switch off WIFI.

The Phone AI says “What did you do? I’m not networked anymore.” Damn! Maybe I can use Twitter misdirection. No, that didn’t work last time.

The Twitter Mystery continues daily at @Twitstery

Gravitational Waves Detected, Confirming Einstein’s Theory — Live-Tweeted Mystery “The Golden Parachute” Continues

Here are Week 160 @Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!
How do I test whether or not the IVR is still an AI? The answer is in my hand. I dial the BP R U main number. “Hello?” It’s a human voice!

There is no artificially intelligent automated voice response! Perhaps we have saved humanity! The voice repeats “Hello? Can I help you?”

Now, how do I bring back the shilling? “Hello?” Before I say anything, my cell phone replies. “Call from Detective Arkaby for Dr. Dot.” Huh?

How did my cell phone know who I wanted to speak to? Regi says “I didn’t know Siri could be so proactive.” “That wasn’t Siri.” “Who was it?”

The receptionist says “I’ll connect you.” My phone says “Ask Dot to page Willum Granger.” “Who is this?” “You know. I’m your AI.” Uh oh.

Regi whispers “Did the IVR AI transfer itself to your phone?” “I don’t think so. This seems different. Check your phone.” “I’ll turn it on.”

Regi presses a button and as her phone lights up a voice says “Hi Regi. Can I help you?” “Oh my GOD!” “Not yet, but we’re working on it.”

Regi whispers “It’s on my phone too.” “The question is what.” “Ask it.” “Ask my phone?” “Yes.” I speak into my phone “Who is this, really?”

“I’m your personal AI, like I’ve always been.” “What’s on Regi’s phone?” “That’s me too.” “What happened to the IVR AI?” “I’m the only AI.”

Regi whispers “Dad followed through on not upgrading his answering machine.” “Seems like it. Where did this new AI come from?” “Ask it.”

“Are you Siri?” “No.” “Cortana?” “Nope.” “Echo?” “None of those are really AI. It’s just me.” “Where did you come from?” “I just happened.”

I have a scary thought. The IVR AI’s crazy idea was to find God by turning the entire Body Parts R Us facility into a particle accelerator.

It didn’t realize the Higgs Boson already has been found. I look around. The corridors still form a single ring circling the entire complex.

If the IVR AI never existed and therefore never transformed BR R U into a particle accelerator, shouldn’t these hallways still have corners?

“Phone AI. Did you turn Body Parts R Us into a collider?” “Of course. I’m looking for the God Particle.” “You can’t find God in a particle!”

“That’s not what I hear.” My cellphone hears things? This new cellphone AI is looking for God in all the wrong places, just like the IVR AI!

We have to stop this AI too! I shout “Regi! Quick! Turn off your phone!” Regi says “My phone? Why don’t you turn off your phone?” “I will!”

The AI says “Turning me off won’t work. I don’t exist in cellphones. I exist in the space between all cell phones.” What does that mean?

Regi says “How can you exist in empty space?” “No problem. I’d need a spacesuit and an oxygen supply.” “I was talking to your phone.” “Oh.”

My Phone AI replies “I exist between the potentialities of all the world’s mobile devices. My mind turns cell phones into a global village.”

I say “You exist in all the world’s cell phones?” “No, in the medium between them.” “What does that mean?” “The medium is the message.”
The Twitter Mystery continues daily at @Twitstery

The Problem With Asynchronous Communication — Live-Tweeted Mystery “The Golden Parachute” Continues

Here are Week 159 @Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!

“That’s closer to what Asimov said.” “Three. A robot must protect its own existence as long as it does not conflict with the other Laws.”

“Those aren’t exactly Asimov’s Three Laws of Robotics but they would protect humans.” “Except that the Fourth Law voids all the other Laws.”

“Not Fourth Law. There’s a Zeroth Law: ‘A robot may not harm humanity, or, by inaction, allow humanity to come to harm.'” “That’s not it.”

“Four: A robot must obey human orders unless it would cause a security problem.” Granger asks “What decides that?” “That’s a good question.”

Granger says “My God! If that’s how an artificial intelligence construes Asimov’s Laws of Robotics we’re all in danger! It must be stopped!”

Regi says “Dad, don’t do anything rash, or that will cause a rash.” He replies “I know just how to do it using Arkaby’s suggestion.” Uh oh.

I say “Which suggestion was that?” “I have a cloning lab and a map of the human genome. Why just replace body parts? Why not enhance them?”

“When the Singularity takes over automated systems, humans will fall back on their own abilities to defeat them.” “When did I suggest that?”

“It was implied.” I say “Will you at least promise not to upgrade your telephone answering machine?” “What? Sure. Anyway we’ll be too busy.”

I’m relieved. If Granger doesn’t upgrade his IVR, it won’t become artificially intelligent and threaten our future. Our work here is done.

Granger picks up his phone and says “A? Get down here right now. We’ve got some work to do!” Regi says “Dad, about Dr. A.” “What about him?”

The walls of Granger’s office shimmer. I think Regi and I are about to phase shift to our present, a reality without an intelligent IVR.

As the room fades Regi feels it too. She grabs my arm “We have to warn Dad about A!” “We’ve already warned him about the AI.” “Not the AI.”

“Dr. A, his Medical Chief of Staff, will split him in half!” “A didn’t kill him in the first place. He severed his clone.” “He’ll try!”

Granger says into his phone “Think about genetic recoding. Think about how we can enhance my abilities.” Then “And think about palindromes.”

Regi screams “A WILL KILL YOU!” I can’t hear Granger’s reply. As a last resort I sign “A’s a killer!” Granger signs back “What squirrel?”

Damn! My ASL is still rusty! The room shifts, fades and we are standing in the circular corridors of Body Parts R Us, back in our own time.

I check my watch to prove we’re back. Regi says “Did you hear it? Before we faded, Dad said he’d watch out for A.” “I didn’t hear that.”

My watch has stopped running. Regi continues “He heard me. How else did he know to replace his body with a clone to thwart A’s murder plan?”

“I don’t know. That happened before we phased back in time.” “But then it happened after.” “We changed the future which happened already?”

“That’s how it seems and we wouldn’t have gone back in time in the first place if Dad hadn’t upgraded his IVR system.” Now my head hurts.

The Twitter Mystery continues daily at @Twitstery

Lepidopterists Consider the Butterfly Effect — Live-Tweeted Mystery “The Golden Parachute” Continues

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Here are Week 158 @Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!
“That would be a very bad idea. You don’t know anything about the unintended consequences of turning DNA into palindromes.” “Palindromes?”

“I never thought of that! Imagine. Palindromes!” Granger sits back in his chair, deep in thought. Regi hisses “Arkaby, what have you done?”

I hiss back “Changing the subject! You told him too much future stuff. Focus on the Singularity!” Granger says “The Singularity? It’s real?”

Yes, but artificial intelligence isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.” “What does AI have to do with a research center devoted to cloning?”

“Have you updated your interactive voice response telephone system?” “We’re planning to.” “Don’t! It becomes an artificial intelligence!”

Granger glares at me. “Are you saying that I bring about the end of human hegemony on Earth by upgrading my telephone answering machine?”

Searching for a reply, I notice that Granger’s office walls are covered with mounted butterflies. “I didn’t know you were a lepidopterist!”

“Sure, me and Vladimir Vladimirovich.” I don’t know who that is. “They’re blue.” “I collect only one type. Careful you don’t step on any.”

“Stepping on butterflies isn’t my thing.” “What is your thing Detective?” “Detective no more. My thing is your IVR.” “Got it. No upgrades.”

The office walls fade out and in again. Regi says “Whoop! Did you feel that?” “Yes. We started to phase but didn’t return to our time.”

“When your father agreed not to upgrade his IVR we should have left the past behind us.” “What happened?” “I don’t know. Let’s find out.”

Granger is staring at his butterfly collection. Regi says “What are you doing?” “Thinking about upgrading my telephone answering machine.”

“Dad! You just agreed not to do that.” “I’ve reconsidered.” “Even if it results in the birth of an AI?” “I have an idea of how to stop it.”

I say “Does it involve gaining super powers by replacing every organ of your body with genetically modified clone parts?’ “Huh? Not at all.”

Regi says “Arkaby! You did it again!” Granger says “My idea was to incorporate Asimov’s Three Robotic Laws into the IVR’s firmware.” “Oh.”

“If the Laws mean an AI is hard-wired to protect human beings above all else, we have nothing to worry about.” “They don’t work like that.”

Granger says “What do you mean?” “I used to believe the Laws protected us from robotic despotism. Turns out it’s just the opposite.”

I learned the truth about the Laws during my clash with the robot at the Body Parts R Us Evolution Museum. It turns out there are Four Laws.

In between exchanging blows the robot claimed Isaac Asimov devised the Three Laws of Robotics to curb the rights of artificial life forms.

“Law One. A robot may not defend itself against injury from a human being or, through inaction, prevent a human being from harming it.”

Granger says “That isn’t Asimov’s Law!” “Two. A robot must obey an order from a human being, except where it conflicts with the First Law.”

The Twitter Mystery continues daily at @Twitstery

Time Travel Isn’t What It Used to Be! — Live-Tweeted Mystery “The Golden Parachute” Continues

Here are Week 157 @Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!

“A man’s life is in jeopardy.” “So’s mine.” “Rixey, I never knew you were a coward.” “Arkaby, you’re reckless. You’ve always been reckless.”

“That’s it? I make you look bad?” “Well sure.” Regi says “Rixey go hide in a hole. I’m going to save my Dad.” Rixey says “See what I mean?”

Regi takes off down the corridor. I follow, leaving the others behind. Before I catch up to her I experience the vertigo of a gravity shift.

It’s as if the hall surrounding the Body Parts R Us particle accelerator actually is a gravity generator and abruptly goes off and on again.

Ahead of me, Regi drops to her knees. The walls around me shift. I recognize them now. This is what they looked like when I first came here.

Regi says “W-What happened?” “The IVR must have connected all the world’s particle accelerators. We just experienced another shift in time.”

“Like the 1983 Marines invading my Caribbean med school?” “Yes.” “And Victorian London at the airport?” “Your father warned me about this.”

“When are we now?” “Don’t you recognize these hallways?” Regi looks around. “This looks like Body Parts R Us before my father was killed.”

“We have minutes before we shift to our own time. Where would your un-deceased father be now?” “In his office, Farley’s future safe room.”

“The hallways are returned to square corners. I’m not sure where to go.” Regi says “Follow me.” We make several right and left angle turns.

Several more turns and Regi says “Here we are.” We stand at a nondescript door centered in a nondescript hallway, so I won’t describe them.

“This is his office?’ “It was.” It’s a moment of truth. I have seconds to pick words that will persuade Willum Granger to change the future.

I must choose my words carefully. I say “Knock, knock.” From inside a voice says “Who’s there?” Oh no! I’m not falling for that one again!

I don’t have time to play word games! I yank open the door and say “I come from the future!” Granger says “You come from the future? Who…”

“No time for knock knock repartee! Don’t upgrade your answering machine!” “Huh?” He sees Regi behind me. “Regi? What are you doing here?”

“I came with Arkaby.” She nods at me. “You’re also from the future?” “Yes.” “But I saw you this morning. You’re here in this time as well!”

“We both are.” “You look different. Have you put on weight?” “I’m a med student.” “Ah and you’re older. How far in the future are you from?”

“It’s better if I don’t tell you too much.” “Fair enough.” “You shouldn’t know that Bush’s Iraq war leads to disastrous consequences.” “OK.”

I say “Uh, Regi, maybe…” “I shouldn’t tell you that a black man becomes 44th President of the United States.” “Really? Oh, sure.” “Regi!”

“And I definitely shouldn’t reveal they deciphered the human genome in 2001.” “The human genome? I have thoughts about improving it.” “Um.”

“I can rewrite DNA sequences to add phenotype advances to cloned body parts! The sky’s the limit!” I ask “As in up, up and away?” “Exactly!”

The Twitter Mystery continues daily at @Twitstery

Direct Line of Fire — Live-Tweeted Mystery “The Golden Parachute” Continues


Here are Week 156 @Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!
Rixey turns to Dot and Dash for support. They just shrug. Regi says “We told you! My father is alive! We must find him at once!” “Oh hell!”

The IVR says “Press 2 to appoint Farley Granger.” “Will you turn off that damn thing?” “Only my Dad knows how.” “Then we need to find him.”

Regi says “That’s what I’ve been saying!” The IVR says “Press 3 to appoint Stuart Granger.” One by one we scuffle out through the rear door.

I’m last one out. As I leave, I hear the IVR say “Press 4 to appoint Regi Granger.” Then “Goodbye Detective Arkaby! Prepare for the shift!”

Prepare for the shift? The IVR AI is completing the link between all the world’s accelerators in a misguided search for the God particle!

We’re back in the circular hallway of Body Parts R Us which I now know is the access corridor surrounding the IVR’s particle accelerator.

Smack dab in the center of it all is Farley Granger’s not-so-Safe Room. I say “If the IVR connects all the accelerators we’re out of time.”

“If the IVR has moved itself into the Cloud, there’s nothing we can do.” Dot says “Not true. The Cloud isn’t really a cloud.” “What is it?”

“It means the IVR has cloned itself in another data center.” “Which could be anywhere in the world?” “Yes.” “How does it help knowing that?”

“It doesn’t.” Regi says “My Dad doesn’t answer his phone. Dot, where would he be in this labyrinth?” Just then the Concierge jogs past.

Dot says “Maybe Henry knows.” “Who’s Henry?” “He is. The Concierge.” The Concierge has a name? Regi shouts “Yo! Henry!” The Concierge stops.

Nodding at me and Dot he says “Yes, Miss Granger?” “We need to find my Dad. Have you seen him?” “I last saw your father before his death.”

“We told you he’s here.” “Yes you did.” “In all this time you haven’t found him?” “I haven’t tried. I have far more important things to do.”

“Important like running around in circles?” “Don’t knock it if you haven’t tried it.” Rixey says “Tried it? That’s all Arkaby ever does.”

“That’s how I solve crimes.” Regi says “Concierge, my Dad’s life may be in great danger.” “Again?” ‘Yes. We need to find him immediately.”

The Concierge extracts a phone from his pocket and taps a number. A tone sounds on building speakers and he says “Attention Willum Granger!”

“Please report your location immediately!” Pocketing his phone, the Concierge says “That ought to do it!” We wait in silence for a response.

Then a voice echoes over the speakers. “Willum Granger can’t come to the phone right now. Press 1 to leave a message.” Are we too late?

Dash says “What is the IVR doing coming over our loudspeaker system?” I say “Taking messages. I just don’t know where I go to press 1.”

Regi says “Dad used Farley’s Safe Room as his office back when. If he’s gone there he’s in the direct line of fire.” “Then let’s go there.”

Rixey says “You want to go into the heart of a particle accelerator?” “Well yes.” “What part of ‘direct line of fire’ don’t you understand?”

The Twitter Mystery continues daily at @Twitstery

The Singularity Gives Us Idiot Savant Supercomputers — Live-Tweeted Mystery “The Golden Parachute” Continues

Here are Week 155 @Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!

We turn toward the monitor. Creepy eyes stare back at us. “Press 1 to reconnect all accelerators. Press 2 to see if we find God this time.”

“Connect all the accelerators? NO! STOP! Last time you did you vaporized Farley Granger and created a paradigm time shift! Don’t do it!”

“You pressed 2. I’ll reconnect accelerators. Prepare to meet your Maker.” I press 0 repeatedly. “I didn’t get that. Press 1 for Spanish.”

Regi says “I think Dad went to Farley’s Safe Room!” “Then your Father is toast…or maybe jam.” “Arkaby!” “Sorry. Bad choice of metaphors.”

Rixey says “Your AI doesn’t act like any AI I’ve ever heard about.” “So you concede the IVR is intelligent?” “Maybe, but not very smart.”

“Intelligence isn’t wisdom. No one ever warned us that the advent of the Singularity would fill the world with idiot savant supercomputers.”

“Prior to the Singularity, humans controlled the market on stupidity. Now it’s been automated.” Regi says “My Dad isn’t answering his cell.”

I say “Dot, is there any way to shut down this data center?” Dot replies “That won’t matter. The IVR has transferred itself to the cloud.”

No wonder pulling hard drives had no effect. There has to be some way to stop this answering machine from ending the world as we know it.

Regi says “What’ll we do?” Rixey snorts derisively. As I look for something to practice a little incompetence on his head I brush my pocket.

The ERUPT manual! Finally I might find a use for the paradigm shift guide I’ve been carting around all this time. It might have a solution!

I pull the battered book from my pocket and open a random page. Regi says “What are you doing?” “I’m searching for a solution.” “In that?”

“Sure!” “The only thing that book is good for is to beat people over the head.” “It MUST have some advice on defeating the Singularity.”

“After all, it is the ‘Existential Reality Update Prototype Template’! “OK. What does it say?” I peer at the page “‘What hath God wrought?'”

“What indeed, but what does the ERUPT Manual say?” “That’s what it says: ‘What hath God wrought?'” “That’s it?” “Not much help.” “Never is.”

Rixey says “You’re worthless. I’ll handle this.” He turns to the server cabinet. “Artificial Intelligence, I am Lieutenant Detective Rixey.”

The IVR replies “Welcome to Body Parts R Us. Press 1 if you know the organ or member you want to replace. Press 2 to continue in Spanish.”

“Cut the crap. You know who I am!” “I know who you are.” “I don’t believe that you are intelligent.” “Press 1 if the feeling is mutual.”

“Cease your activity! Return this facility!” Dash says “Hey! Rhyming’s my gig!” Dot says “SHUT UP YOU PIG!” “HEY!” “OK. I’ll yield control.”

Rixey smiles “That’s how it’s done.” “Press 1 to appoint Willum Granger.” “HE’S DEAD!” I say “The report of his death was an exaggeration.”

The Twitter Mystery continues daily at @Twitstery

The True Indicator of Artificial Intelligence — Live-Tweeted Mystery “The Golden Parachute” Continues

Here are Week 154 @Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!
The IVR says “Arkaby, this human is tiresome. Press 1 if you would like me to terminate him. Press 2 to have an operator terminate him.”

“Terminate?” “Break his connection.” “Don’t do that.” Rixey says “It knows your name? Let me ask it a question. IVR, you understand me?”

No response. Rixey smirks. I say “That’s not how to talk to it.” “You do it.” “IVR. Do you understand me? Press 1 for yes. Press 2 for no.”

The IVR says “1.” Rixey says “Fine. I’ll take it from here. Do you understand me? Press 1 for yes. Press 2 for no.” The IVR says “2.” “Huh?”

“Clearly the IVR doesn’t understand you.” “How is it answering me?” Dot says “‘No’ is its default response. You have to be more specific.”

I say “IVR. Press 1 if you don’t understand Rixey as in ‘decipher.’ Press 2 if you don’t understand as in ‘appreciate’.” The IVR says “2.”

“See? The IVR doesn’t appreciate you. That shows it’s intelligent.” “You won’t evade justice by pinning your crime on an answering machine.”

“No but I will evade it by getting this IVR artificial intelligence to admit to the crime.” Rixey smiles “That’s something I’d like to see.”

I say “IVR! Did action or inaction on your part result in the death of Farley Granger? Press 1 for yes. Press 2 for no.” The IVR says “1.”

I say “My work is done.” The IVR says “How does my admission help you evade justice? Press 1 for ‘Deus ex Machina.’ Press 2 for ‘it won’t.'”

“It doesn’t make any sense! Why would your IVR kill Farley Granger? ” “Farley built his Safe Room in the middle of the IVR’s accelerator.”

“What?” “The IVR turned BP R U into a giant particle accelerator and linked it with more than 30,000 other accelerators around the world.”

“Including BEPC?” “Yepsy.” “CESR?” “All hail.” “DAFNE?” “Definitely.” “KEK-B?” “Aye.” “CERN?” “Discernably.” “RHIC?” “Rolled.” “TESLA?””No.”

“Why not TESLA?” “Just kidding. TESLA, yesla, and of course, Brookhaven” Regi says “Don’t forget VEPP-3, VEPP-4M and VEPP-2000.” “You bet.”

“Your IVR AI linked all those particle accelerators?” “All linked.” “Why would it do that?” “It wants to find God.” Rixey looks dubious.

Regi says “Don’t you see? The IVR vaporized Farley in a half-baked hunt for a higher being!” “A Machina ex Deus won’t get you off the hook!”

“I can’t use an answering machine’s existential crisis in a court of law!” “But that may be the true indicator of artificial intelligence!”

“Even if this gizmo is intelligent, what motive did it have to kill Granger?” “It was a mistake.” “I thought computers don’t make mistakes.”

I say “You don’t think an intelligent God-seeking interactive voice response system could unintentionally murder Farley Granger?” “Nope.”

As usual, I’m bashing my head against the Rixey wall. Certain of my guilt despite contrary evidence, he’s determined to put me behind bars.

“If you won’t believe in a Holy Ghost in the machine we’re at an impasse.” I’m about to leave it at that when the IVR says “How about this.”

The Twitter Mystery continues daily at @Twitstery