As I Lay Dying – “The Golden Parachute” Continues!

Here are Week 53@Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!

It takes two people to make you, one people to die. Cut in two, Granger unified. He did it once, I can do it too. Except he’s still dead.

My father used to say the reason for living was to get ready to stay dead a long time. I beg to differ. You don’t need a reason to stay dead.

I tweet therefore I am. When young I believed death a phenomenon of the body; now I know it is a function of the mind, assuming you have one

That’s my way back. By my tweets ye shall know me. So long as men can tweet, or eyes can see, so long lives this, and this gives life to me.

“Arkaby wake up!” “Lemme sleep Ma I’ll find a job tomorrow.” I open my eyes. I’m lying on the tarmac next to Granger’s body. “I’m not dead?”

“No, you fainted.” My head rests on Regi’s lap. The sun, an hour above the horizon, poises like a bloody egg upon a crest of thunderheads.

The light has turned copper: in the eye portentous, in the nose sulphurous, smelling of lightning. No not clouds. Black smoke fills the air.

“I thought I lay dying. Where did those trigger-happy guards go?” “They scattered when the derelict jet landed.” I look down the runway.

Thick black smoke blankets the runway as emergency and security vehicles circle the same jet that followed us from the island. They made it!

Regi says “You were bowled over by the backwash when the jet passed over our heads.” “I was shot! I thought I was dead!” “They never fired.”

I sit up. “I’m not wounded?” “Maybe your pride.” “Don’t have any. That jet landed safely?” “Yes, and they scared away your firing squad.”

Who were those guys? Somehow they knew we were coming in with Granger’s everlasting remains. They were ready to kill to achieve their goals.

David says “Did your life pass before your eyes?” “I missed it. I’ll catch it later on YouTube.” “Did you see God?” “Not where I went.”

Dot says “This is our chance. My plane is waiting nearby. I can deal with Customs on the mainland.” Dash says “I have a boat. Let’s float!”

“Damn it Dash!” David says “Forget these clowns. I can fly you. I just gotta gas up.” Decision time. I look at Regi. She shakes her head.

I say “David, I’d like to say it’s been a pleasure flying with you.” “Gee Boss.” “But I can’t. We’re going with Dot. Dot says “Finally!”

Dot turns “Where did my pilot go?” Dash says “He took off when that jet landed.” David says “I can fly your plane.” Regi and I scream “NO!”

Dot says “How much?” “On the meter.” I don’t have a meter.” “No problem. I have one.” I say “I would revisit Hell rather than fly with you.”

David looks offended. “Gee Boss. After all we’ve been through.” “And all it’s cost me.” Dot and Dash load Granger’s body onto their Cessna.

David says “You’re gonna fly THAT?” Dot says “If I can find my pilot.” “Good luck.” As David leans against his air taxi a wheel falls off.

Regi says “Dad’s body is aboard. We’re good to go.” Dash says “All ducks are in a row.” David says “Still you have no pilot.” “Here I am.”

(The Twitter Mystery continues daily at @Twitstery)


Death, Be Not Proud – “The Golden Parachute” Continues!

Here are Week 52 @Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!

Who are these guys? I’d better get ready. Before I can untie my necktie David steps up, pumping a shotgun. “Where did you find that?” I ask.

“I always keep it under my seat.” he says. “Put that away before you hurt somebody. I’ve got this.” I take out my phone and load my gun app.

“Your gun app won’t work on these guys.” “Why not? It NEVER fails. I text ‘BANG’ to their cell phones. They stop to read it. Foolproof.”

“Look carefully. They don’t have cell phones.” “Oh. We’ll have to do it the old-fashioned way.” I quickly dial a number and enter a command.

Weapons raised, they close in. I remove my jacket. Then a car approaches, screeches to a halt. A sign on the car door reads “Western Union.”

A messenger jumps out of the car and dashes up to the head guard. “Are you in charge here?” “Yes I am.” “Sign here.” He hands him a message.

Regi whispers “I didn’t know Western Union still delivers telegrams.” “They don’t.” The head guard opens the message. It reads “BANG! Stop.”

I say to the other guards. “Do I need to telegraph my intentions to you too?” They lower their weapons. The head guard says “What the f*%k?”

He turns to his men. “What are you doing?” “He’s got telegrams” one replies. The head guard aims at me. “Deliver the cadaver or become one.”

David aims his shotgun at the guard. “If he goes down you go too.” I’m in the middle. Whoever fires first, I get some lead. “Don’t help me.”

“Say the word Boss.” It’s a standoff. The other guards re-raise their rifles. Regi edges out of the line of fire. I’d like to do the same.

Regi says “Stop! I am Willum Granger’s heir, just back from the islands!” “Caribbean or Virgin?” “Let’s just say I came back a Caribbean.”

“And you are with this…detective?” “He is working on my behalves.” The guards take aim. Regi says “That didn’t work.” “Thanks for trying.”

The head guard says “We’ll do this old school.” “That’s good to hear.” “Ready!” “What?” They slide their rifle bolts. “Aim!” “Wait!” “Fire!”

To a man with a gun everyone looks like a target. Time slows. Even so, I don’t have time to look less target-like or to finish tweeting this

The rest is silence. A dark pool opens at my feet and I jump in, eyes wide shut. The pool has no bottom which means I soon will reach China.

?? I should open my eyes. I’m either dead or my watch has stopped. Death is not what I expected. First of all I’m still really hot…uh oh.

I remember a loud boom, a sharp blow and then nothing. Seems I’m still tweeting, way down here. One thing’s certain: I’ll stay with Verizon.

I experience the ineffable. No more mysteries. I’m done collecting clues, collaring culprits, confronting cons. I’m perfectly at peace.

This transpires when you expire. You Rest in Peace. I thought it was just a slogan like “The Medium is the Message.” You live and you learn!

Pull yourself together Arkaby! You’re not the first person to die and you won’t be the last. You’ve gotten out of tougher fixes than this!

(The Twitter Mystery continues daily at @Twitstery)

Bigger Than Viagra! – “The Golden Parachute” Continues!

Here are Week 51 @Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!

Dash hands the guard a binder. “My permits beat his.” Dot says “Damn it Dash!” The guard says “And where are you from?” “Body Parts R Us.”

“You’re from the same organization as him?” “Yes.” “Are you also head clown?” “Cloner. Yes I am.” “You don’t need two permits. One will do.”

“Look again. Cut in two, Willum Granger remains a severed executive. Dr. Dot’s permit applies to only his top half. Mine is for the bottom.”

“You need both permits.” Dot says “Split permits? I have the prior claim. You’re pathetic.” The guard reviews Dash’s paper. “He’s right.”

Dot says “I don’t care who’s right. I won’t deal with him!” Dash says “That’s not something you can do on a whim.” “You’re doing it again!”

“Can I get an amen?” Dot’s right. Dash danced his rhyming two-step one too many times. I cut in quickly to avert a full-blown poetry slam.

Regi says “Will we finish here soon?” “Why?” “I want to get Dad home and get him re-buried. Then I want to sue the plots off that cemetery.”

Dot says “We have to sort out who gets the body.” “This is my father. He belongs to me!” I say “Is it me or is Puerto Rico always this hot?”

The guards look confused. We’re all sweating, standing on the sun-drenched tarmac. Finally, One guard says “Yes, it’s always this hot here.”

Another guard says “Except, of course, at night.” “Yes. Sometimes it is quite pleasant” says a third.” Dot says “WHO CARES ABOUT THE HEAT?”

I say “Granger’s body isn’t getting any fresher in this heat and neither is mine. Can we move indoors?” Dot says “I have a plane waiting.”

“I must examine the body in my lab.” “I’m completely willing to split the tab.” Regi says “There’s never a blunt object when you need one.”

Dot looks directly at Dash and says “You’re out of your depth.” Dash says “Damn!” “And you’re not splitting my father!” I say “One problem.”

Dash howls “NOTHING RHYMES WITH DEPTH!” Dot smiles at me and says to Dash “Bite me.” Regi adopts a defensive stance. I repeat “One problem.”

That’s why Dash didn’t tease Dot before! Dot used my suggestion to end all his sentences with non-rhyming words. I repeat “One problem.”

“What” screams Dash “is your problem?” “It’s not my problem, it’s your problem. Granger is no longer split in two.” Dot and Dash say “Huh?”

“Someone put Humpty together again.” “That’s not possible. Open the bag.” “Over my dead body” says Regi. “Our dead body” the two docs say.

“There were no King’s horses” says Dot. “Nor King’s corpses” says Dash. Dot rolls his eyes. “We want to confirm this is Willum Granger.”

Regi and I brace ourselves. Non-rhyming words are the key. Before I think of one, the head guard says “Nobody is opening nothing out here.”

The other guards draw their weapons. Dot says “Don’t you understand? This may be the most important biogenic discovery since the Viagra.”

“This body is perfectly preserved.” “In that case, my superiors should have a look.” “Airport administration?” “We’re not from the airport.”

(The Twitter Mystery continues daily at @Twitstery)

Trouble is My Business – “The Golden Parachute” Continues!

Here are Week 50 @Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!

The serenity is short-lived. Raymond Chandler pokes my shoulder. “Stop stealing my stuff.” “I’m not stealing, I’m aggregating.” “Right.”

No, it’s David who pokes. He says “Wake up sleepyhead. We’re here.” We’re on the runway at San Juan International. Regi yawns and stretches.

I wake up with two flannel blankets in my mouth, a splitting headache, and sore for all that. I feel terrible. I feel like an amputated leg.

Regi looks like she feels the same. She says “We landed? I slept through it?” “Yes. We made it.” “This is the worst flight I’ve ever taken.”

David says “Here’s your bill.” “I paid you double going down.” “For you, not for the girl and her body, not to mention the cadaver cargo.”

“This is an outrage!” I hand Regi the bill. “If I were you I wouldn’t pay it.” “It includes my dad?” David says “Your standard carrion fee.”

“You are the world’s worst pilot.” “No one’s all bad.” “You come closest. I should get a freaked-out flyer’s discount.” “And yet you slept.”

“You too and you were piloting.” “Being awake’s only important on takeoff and landing. I think my terms are very reasonable.” “How so?” 

“Reasonable considering I helped wreck a university, steal a cadaver, chase through a jungle, fall off a mountain and escape a Cuban jet.”

“Are you arguing for or against your position?” I say “Pay him. We have bigger fish to fry.” I point to her father’s body on the tarmac.

Regi says “I have no money.” I sigh and hand David a wad of bills. “Thank you. I hope you’ll fly with us again.” “Please, hold your breath.”

Airport security surrounds us. One says “What have you got in the bag?” I flash my cellphone police badge. “This is my body of evidence.”

“We don’t recognize virtual IDs. Do you have transport papers for this body?” Before I reply an ambulance drives up and Dr. Dot jumps out.

His dark suit perfectly pressed, his black bow tie perfectly tied, he doesn’t break a sweat striding forward. “Arkaby, don’t say anything.”

“Doc, I got this.” I tap my cell phone’s body shipping app. Regi says “Arkaby, let him do it.” He smiles. “Hello Ms. Granger.” “Hello Dot.”

He hands a large binder to the guard. “You’ll find everything in order.” The guard looks at the cover. “What the hell is ‘Body Parts R Us’?”

“Body Parts R Us is an organization devoted to cloning body parts.” “Organ-ization. I get it. You’re head of clowning?” “Cloning. Yes I am.”

“Our slogan is ‘We Take Your Part’.” “What do you do with it?” “What do we do with what?” “My part after you’ve taken it.” “Make it better.”

“I’m sure you do. What’s the story with the body?” “That’s Willum Granger, our founder. We’re taking him back.” “Why? His warranty expired?”

Nobody likes a smart aleck security guard. A second ambulance drives up. Dr. Dash jumps out. He shouts “Wait! I’m here to collect the body!”

Before passing to the great beyond Willum Granger appointed Dot and Dash Co-Directors of Body Parts R Us. They’ve been fighting ever since.

(The Twitter Mystery continues daily at @Twitstery)