Welcome to the New New Testament! – “The Golden Parachute” Continues!

Here are Week 57 @Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!

I say “I get it. Just like you accept on faith that a big machine with wings can fly.” “No, I understand aerodynamic lift, drag and thrust.”

Regi says “You fly understanding aerodynamics but base your world view on flights of fancy?” “One man’s science is another man’s mythology.”

Dot says “You’re missing something important. Whenever the universe was created, whoever wrote this book believed it can be reprogrammed.”

“I’ve never seen this document before. If it is taken at face value, somebody is planning to change reality. Your father knew about this.”

“What did he know?” “He must have known about this manual. Granger never told us why he modified his DNA when he cloned his body parts.”

“Dot, you told me he did all the DNA self-modification to rewrite all his genetic sequences into palindromes.” “I thought so at the time.”

Granger cloned and replaced nearly every part of his body. I thought it was a mad scientist’s whim. It seems larger matters were at stake.

Orville says “I can’t believe you take this book literally. It’s obviously a collection of urban legends, myths and outright fabrications.”

Dot reads “‘During upgrade users may experience disruptions including severe weather events, time shifts and unrequited knock-knock jokes.'”

“It’s not all fabrications. We must do something.” Orville says “You’re letting a book sway your view of reality?” I say “Just like you.”

“Like me?” “You also guide your life according to a book.” “That’s different. My book was dictated by God. Who knows who wrote this manual?”

Daylight dawned in the swamp. I don’t know who wrote the manual that is key to this entire case. Worse, I don’t know how to find out who.

Regi takes the book and says “Look! This was written by something called the Reality Release Support Center. We should go see who they are.”

“First things first. We need to find out who wrote this book.” “That’s what I mean. Someone at the Reality Release Support Center wrote it.”

Orville says “Well, we can rule out a divine author.””I rule out NOTHING! All I know it’s someone who thinks they can fool with my reality!”

A possible deus ex machina is not at the top of my list of likely solutions. I hate ceding any ground when it comes to paradigm alterations.

“Maybe this book is divine intercession. Then how do you explain the two millennia that have passed since His last inked-in manifestation?”

“It’s 2000 years since His last publication?” “Give or take. Not counting literary knockoffs like the Quran or Joseph Smith’s fan fiction.”

Regi says “There is a marvelous peace in not publishing. Perhaps He likes to write, but He writes just for Himself and His own pleasure.”

“Taking your point that like Salinger, He saw publication after His Bible as ‘a damned interruption,’ what would make him come forward now?”

“And how many unpublished works are there?” Orville says “It’s ridiculous to think that this manifesto is God’s word.” Dot says “Maybe not.”

(The Twitter Mystery continues daily at @Twitstery)


Jesus and the Velociraptor – “The Golden Parachute” Continues!

Here are Week 56 @Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!

“Impossible!” “My crime fighting experience tells me nothing is impossible.” “My father’s ghost foretold an impending paradigmatic shift?”

“Transparently.” “Do you realize how bizarre that is?” “Which part? Your father back from the dead, or the changing of everything we know?”

“Arkaby! My father unresurrected lies in the cargo hold of this airplane. The future is difficult to predict, especially when you’re dead.”

“Nobody asked him to predict the future, but apparently he was preparing for this shift when he was killed.” “Who told you this?” “He did.”

“From beyond the grave?” “No, from beyond my office.” “Right now you are making no sense.” “Hey! He was the one telling knock-knock jokes!”

Dot says “Can I see that?” Regi passes the manual forward. “This makes no sense: ‘Errors can be corrected by issuing the “OOPS” command.'”

“‘Good for omissions, faux pas and unwise bridge closures. Does not apply to a missed birthday, anniversary, sports events or pregnancies'”

“’Users have called our attention to so-called bugs in our previous releases…’” Regi says “What do they mean ‘bugs’?” “Programming errors.”

Dot continues “‘These reported ‘bugs’ include war, disease, death, poverty, male pattern baldness and the presence of human life on Earth ‘”

“‘We would like to make it clear that these are features of Reality, not bugs.’ “What the hell?” “That’s not the worst part. Listen to this:”

“‘We have noted the lack of macro-level analogies to illustrate subatomic activity and difficulty dealing with events on a cosmic scale.'”

“‘Due to confusion about subatomic physics, all elements will once again be made up of some combination of earth, air, fire and/or water.'”

“‘Space beyond Earth’s atmosphere will be composed of “Ether” and distances in outer space will be traversable within a human lifetime.'”

Dot concludes “’This revision does not reinstate spontaneous generation, intelligent design or a geocentric cosmology.'” Regi says “Huh?”

“It’s crazy to turn back the clock like this!” Orville says “And in the name of all that’s holy, why do they leave out intelligent design?”

I say “You believe in intelligent design?” “Yes. It’s my guiding light.” “How can you be a pilot and believe that?” “God is my copilot.”

“You believe Earth is only 6000 years old?” “Of course not. I KNOW the entire universe is exactly 6254 years old.” “Is that in dog years?”

“No, in Patriarch years.” “What’s that?” “We calculate the age of the earth by adding up the geneologies in the Bible, starting with Adam.”

“You add up the ages of all the Bible guys and that’s how old the Earth is?” “Give or take.” “Makes perfect sense. That’s how I’d do it.”

Regi says “What about dinosaurs or geologic strata in the Grand Canyon?” “I wasn’t there to see them, so I can only go on current evidence.”

“You weren’t there to see the Bible written either.” “Exactly! I accept on faith it WAS written and I accept on faith the age of the Earth.”

(The Twitter Mystery continues daily at @Twitstery)

Hitchhiker’s Guide to Reality – “The Golden Parachute” Continues!

Here are Week 55@Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!

I ask “If you don’t like flying, why are you a pilot?” “One has to use one’s gifts.” “Gifts?” “Yes. I’m a great pilot who hates to fly.”

What a great trip. First, I get the world’s worst pilot who loves his job, then I get this clown who shares his fear of flying en route.

Why has Granger’s doppelgänger sent me on a wild goose chase? I rescued Regi and uncovered her father’s parts in an illicit cadaver scheme.

What did he say to me? “There are plans afoot to alter the very structure of reality.” Huh? He also said he wasn’t a ghost, clone or zombie.

Granger cloned his body to meet an emergency. His death cut that short. To fulfil my pledge I had to step in. And then restore the shilling.

We cruise at a reasonable altitude. The cabin is soundproof and quiet. Regi shifts in her seat and her hand brushes my side jacket pocket.

She reaches in and pulls out the book from the anatomy lab. “What’s this?” “I don’t know. Some kind of guidebook but it doesn’t make sense.”

“Yorick tossed it at me when I was gathering packing materials.” Regi shuffles through the pages. “It seems to be some kind of manifesto.”

She reads “‘Existential Reality Update Prototype Template. The present Reality will be superseded by Version 2015.’ What does that mean?”

“‘Though Reality is not copy protected, fair use stipulations still apply. Use for educational purposes, but do not offer copies for sale.'”

“‘Idiosyncratic reality testing may be conducted at the user’s discretion.’ A new version of reality? What does that mean?” “It’s a joke.”

“This doesn’t sound like a joke, it sounds like directions: ‘The reality update can be networked in order to permit multiple realities.'”

“You CAN go home again. If home doesn’t exist in your current reality, this update’s windows allow you to go into someone else’s home.”

Regi reads “‘When leaving one reality, please turn off lights and lock up.’ This reads like a plan to alter the very structure of reality.”

“A plan to alter the very structure of reality.” I’ve heard that line before! I recall the incredible assertion of Granger’s false double.

Not too long ago Granger’s doppelgänger materialized at the door to my office, like the ghost of Jacob Marley. Scared the dickens out of me!

Averring a scheme afoot to ALTER REALITY by instigating disasters, shortages and currency modification, he sent me on this quixotic mission.

A sudden realization hits me like the wet kiss of a soft boot on slick pavement. I haven’t been getting any receipts for my travel expenses!

Dot says “It sounds like a bunch of monkey business. Who gave you that book?” “A monkey.” Or is it the cataclysm the doppelgänger predicted?

It’s time to tell the truth. “Regi, I didn’t just show up at your school. I was sent to find you and bring you out.” “What are you saying?”

(The Twitter Mystery continues daily at @Twitstery)

Back Home In Time for the SuperBowl! – “The Golden Parachute” Continues!

Here are Week 54@Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!

He’s tall, thin with an Errol Flynn mustache. As he strolls up Dot confronts him. “Where have you been?” “Got spooked by that burning jet.”

“We’re in the middle of the tarmac. Where were you hiding?” “I hid in this guy’s air taxi. I figured it wouldn’t be going anywhere soon.”

“Why were you scared?” “I thought that jet would crash. I have this thing about plane crashes.” “You’re a pilot!” “Haven’t crashed yet.”

“Fear of flying is a piloting advantage?” “I never take unnecessary chances, especially when it comes to not keeping my feet on the ground.”

Dot says “Orville is an excellent pilot.” David smirks. “You want to fly with that?’ Orville’s hands are shaking. I say “Are you all right?”

“No. I’m not Orville Wright. A frequent error. I was named after him, but no relation.” “Your hands are shaking. Are you sure you can fly?”

“Why can’t I fly?” “You seem nervous.” “Who, me nervous?” “Yes you. Are you OK?” “That’s just my pre-flight jitters. I always get them.”

Orville’s whole body is quivering. David smirks. “You’d rather fly with him?” Regi and I shout “YES!” “That’s what you really want?” “YES!”

Orville says “I’ll be fine. I’ll get it together.” David says “Then I guess this is goodbye.” “Goodbye.” “I’ll be moving along.” “Great.”

“You have my card if you ever need transportation.” “Sure.” “You know…” “What?” “It’s still not too late to tip the pilot.” ‘Fat chance.”

David doesn’t move. Orville say “Alright then. If everyone will climb onboard.” And to David “If you could just move a little to your left.”

Almost casually, David walks toward his air taxi. As Orville climbs into the Cessna’s pilot seat, his shakes cease. “OK, strap in” he says.

Turning, David shouts “Any live man is better than any dead man but no live or dead man is much better than any other live or dead man.”

I shout “Your illusions are a part of you like your bones and flesh and memory.” Regi says “Poor David. Do you regret letting him go?” “NO!”

Orville says “You’re not buckled in.” He turns to Dot next to him “You’re not buckled in either. We can’t leave ’til everyone’s buckled in!”

Orville unbuckles and steps out of the plane. I say “What are you doing?” “Just checking. You can’t be too careful.” He circles the plane.

Dot sticks his head out the side window. “Can you hurry up? We don’t have much time!” “Almost finished. Is everyone buckled up?” Yes, YES!”

Orville climbs into the pilot seat, buckles in and starts the engines. Dot says “Are you sure the body is secure?” “I’d better check.” “NO!”

Three exterior fuselage surveys and four seatbelt checks later we are low on fuel and in violation of FAA flight crew shift regulations.

Finally we are on our way. Dot sits copilot. Regi and I are buckled in side by side. Granger’s everlasting body rests peacefully in cargo.

Regi asks “Where’s Dash?” Dot says “Returning by boat. He doesn’t like to fly.” Orville says “Don’t blame him. I don’t like flying either.”

(The Twitter Mystery continues daily at @Twitstery)