Thinking Inside the Box — Tweeted Mystery “The Golden Parachute” Continues!

Here are Week 88 @Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!

“Or how about the Fire Department?” “I don’t want the Demolition Squad or the Fire Department! Break it down! Put your shoulders to it!”

They look at each other and run at the door. They bounce off, grabbing their shoulders. “Oww!” Rixey says “Put your other shoulders to it!”

I say “Rixey, I have a suggestion.” “What?” “Why don’t you use your head?” “That depends. Are you speaking literally or metaphorically?”

Regi says “I understand why he suspended you from the force.” “Why is that?” “You make everyone else look bad.” Rixey says “I heard that.”

“Sure, flatter your boyfriend who isn’t fit to wear a badge.” “It wasn’t flattery and so what if he’s my boyfriend?” I say “I’m right here.”

Rixey says “OK smart guy. How would you get inside?” I say “Simple. Your perp sequestered inside an impenetrable stronghold.” “Obviously.”

“You can’t go in by force.” “That remains to be seen.” “You can’t contact him.” “Apparently not.” “You can’t walk away.” “Not at this point”

“You have no acceptable alternative.” “No.” “So you can stand out here until Farley decides to come out on his own or you can coax him out.”

“Arkaby, we can’t do either.” “That is your strategic error.” “What is?” “Your problem is you’re trying to think outside the box.” “What?”

“You’re thinking outside the box that is Farley’s safe room. You won’t solve your problem that way. You must learn to think inside the box.”

“If you want to confront Granger you must make him come to you.” “How do I do that? Smoke him out? Flood him out?” “No. Flush him out.”

“What do you mean?” “Concierge, does Farley Granger’s sanctuary have bathroom facilities?” “No.” “That’s your answer. We flush him out.”

“We wait for him to come out for a bathroom break? That is the dumbest idea you’ve ever had.” One of Rixey’s cops says “Makes sense to me.”

“Nobody asked you!” The other cop says “Do you have a better idea? I say we guard this door and grab him when he opens it to take a leak.”

“And what if he doesn’t come out? Maybe he’s gone survivalist and doesn’t need to use plumbing.” Regi says “So where does he go?” “Depends.”

“Depends on what?” “I mean he may be wearing an adult diaper.” “An adult diaper? Why would he do that…oh. You think he may be incontinent?”

“No! He uses a diaper because his safe room doesn’t have any plumbing.” “In that case not very safe.” Rixey says “Can we get on with it?”

“I won’t order my men to stake out a potential pissant survivalist firearm assailant.” “I don’t think pissant means what you think it means”

“I know what it means.” “I don’t think so.” Rixey says to his cops “Don’t look so smug. Go get whatever you have to break down this door.”

The cops take off. Rixey says “Pissant means a know-it-all, full of piss and vinegar.” “You should know.” “You’re walking a very thin line.”

“No, I’m standing still.” “I order you to stand down.” “One of these days you’ll go too far and I intend to be standing there when you do.”

(The Twitter Mystery continues daily at @Twitstery)


Knock Knock — Tweeted Mystery “The Golden Parachute” Continues!

Here are Week 87 @Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!

“I will decide what to grab and when!” Rixey replies “SOMEONE is going to be held accountable for this malfeasance! Maybe it will be you.”

“Accountable? Malfeasance? Get over yourself! If you go in like that, we’ll block your access to my Uncle’s safe room. Right Arkaby?” “Um.”

“Arkaby?” In every case there comes a moment when you find yourself standing at the fulcrum of a decision point; a moment of hard choices.

“Arkaby?” Everything that happens from that point will be irrevocably determined in an instant. Your hopes, your dreams, your immortal soul.

“Arkaby!” On the one hand, the boss I detest is appropriately demanding access to the scene of the crime to bring a perpetrator to justice.

“ARKABY!” On the other hand, the woman I love is intent on protecting her father’s twin from consequences of his own worst inclinations.

“ARKABY!!” “No need to shout. Before anyone grabs anything or anybody, let’s find Farley’s safe room.” The Concierge says “Ah! Here we are.”

We stand before a large metal door with no handle or obvious opening mechanism. Rixey says “This is the safe room? How do you open it?”

The Concierge says “Only Farley can open this door from inside.” “There’s no way to open it from out here?” “No.” “No other entrance?” “No.”

“No tunnels underneath, airducts overhead or conduits on the side?” “All sealed.” “Can you call Granger and ask him to open up?” “No phone.”

Regi says “Arkaby, I didn’t see this door when we were here before.” “It must slide into the wall. It was open when your Uncle took us in.”

Rixey paces back and forth. “There must be some way short of explosives to open this door.” The Concierge says “Why don’t you try knocking?”

Rixey walks up to the door and pounds on it with his fist. No response. He says to one cop “Give me your club.” He knocks again. Nothing.

“We’ll have to blast it open.” The Concierge says “You can’t. It’s a blast-proof door.” “Blast proof? Who has a personal blast-proof door?”

“In this case Farley Granger. It cost us a fortune to install it. You couldn’t afford to blast it down.” “Sure I could.” “No, you couldn’t.”

I say “Listen to him. He bills at hospital rates.” Rixey and the police exchange glances. “We’re not leaving until you open this door.”

Regi says “We can’t have that.” She goes up and slides the blast door to her left. “That wasn’t so hard.” Another door appears behind it.

“Damn! This is the door I remember. Farley locked and bolted it when we left.” Rixey says “Can you open it?” “I can’t. It’s really locked.”

Regi jiggles the door handle which remains unyielding. “Should I knock again?” “Don’t bother.” Rixey turns to his cops. “Break it down.”

The cops look at each other. One says “Break it down?” “Yes.” “You want us to break down this door?” “YES!” “We didn’t bring any equipment.”

The other cop says “We can call the Demolition Squad. They have surplus Pentagon stuff they could bring.” “Just break it down yourselves!”

(The Twitter Mystery continues daily at @Twitstery)

Against the Wind — Tweeted Mystery “The Golden Parachute” Continues!



Here are Week 86 @Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!

They discovered that most often people don’t wear perfume to embrace moral precepts. A scentsational bankruptcy left them holding the tank.

The thousands of gallons of perfume attracted millions of bees. Lavender Blue Dilly Dilly Headquarters became a hive of fruitless activity.

Bee activities may have been fruitless, but I got the point, repeatedly. The disoriented bees found my perfume-saturated body irresistible.

I eluded the LBDD bee swarm by the skin of my teeth, but with my facial features so distorted I was virtually incognito. It hurt like hell.

Then an irate motorist cleaned my clock when I parallel universe parked in his space. I woke at Body Parts R Us, prepped for facial surgery.

I refused surgery which my insurance considered elective and denied coverage. The Concierge still charged me for services not rendered.

Rixey says “Arkaby? Are you still with us?” “Yes. I was reliving my last experience with this character. Don’t let him near your wallet.”

The Concierge says “Do you have a warrant? If not you’ll have to leave.” “With a report of shots fired, we don’t need no stinking warrant.”

Regi says “Concierge, why are you running around the halls of Body Parts R Us in your shorts?” “Whose shorts should I be running around in?”

I say “No, you misunderstood her question. What she means is, whose halls should you be running around in?” “That’s not what I mean at all.”

Rixey pushes past us. “Take us to where Farley Granger has concealed himself…NOW!” “OK! OK! Keep your pants on while I get my pants on.”

Rixey says “Pants or no pants, move!” Raising his hands, the Concierge says “You sure you don’t want us to pull that stick from your ass?”

Rixey levels his gun at the Concierge. I step between. “Easy now! It’s not worth the cost of the bullet, which he’ll likely charge you for.”

Regi says “You work for this hothead?” “Work WITH is a better way to put it. He can go overboard when riled up.” Rixey holsters his weapon.

Through gritted teeth he says “Can we PLEASE proceed to Farley Granger’s safe room?” The Concierge says “Of course since you ask so nicely.”

Methodically stepping into a pair of pants, he zips up and says “All set.” The Concierge leads the way. Rixey and the cops bring up the rear.

Rixey says “A passion defending justice is not ‘going overboard’.” “I agree he is annoying, but I never felt the need to pull a gun on him.”

Regi says “Try to keep it in your pants in the future. It’s bad enough that my Uncle Farley is trigger happy without you cops joining in.”

Rixey says “You’re a fine one to talk about keeping it in your pants.” I say “She’s not referring to your penis.” “I know what she means.”

Regi squares off in front of Rixey. “Do you really?” “ARE you referring to my penis?” ” I’m referring to your trigger finger, not your dick.

“I assume you can tell them apart. In the upcoming pissing contest I don’t want you to grab the wrong thing and shoot Farley by accident.”

(The Twitter Mystery continues daily at @Twitstery)

Nose of the Beeholder — Tweeted Mystery “The Golden Parachute” Continues!

Here are Week 85 @Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!

“Me? Tell me what needs to be fixed and I’ll fix it.” “You don’t get it. I deal with things at the 30,000 foot level. You just muck around.”

“Someone’s got to do it.” “Yes. Just not you.” I think Poe but say “You said I could watch you work. Let’s focus on the reason you’re here.”

Rixey pauses. “Ah yes. Where is the perp who shot at you but hit her?” Regi says “That ‘perp’ is my uncle. What will you do?” “Arrest him.”

“You can’t arrest Farley!” “You’d shield an uncle who shot you? Arkaby, where do you dig up girlfriends?” “She’s not my girlfriend.” “Hey!”

“I mean, she IS my girlfriend, but I didn’t dig her up. I dug up her father.” “Oh?” “I mean, someone else dug him up. That’s the mystery.”

“That’s what you say. I haven’t seen a body yet.” “It’s being autopsied as we speak.” “Fine. Now where do I find this Farley character?”

“Follow me.” Regi and I lead Rixey and his team into the hall just as the man in t-shirt and shorts jogs past. Rixey says “Who is that guy?”

I realize I know him. It’s the Concierge I met the first time I was hospitalized at Body Parts R Us. He billed me $40K for parts not taken.

He had wanted me to trade in my then current body for a brand new model just to make his monthly quota. When I demurred he billed me anyway.

Sweat clouding his brow, the Concierge stops on a dime and gives us a once-over. As he picks up the dime he says “Mr. Arkaby? Miss Granger?”

“Why are you here? Reconsidering corrective surgery? Why have these police come to Body Parts R Us? Are they looking to replace body parts?”

“This is my…I mean, this is YOUR lucky day! You are ALL in luck. We have special end of year deals on a wide range of surgical procedures!”

“We’re not here for clonesmetic surgery. We’re arresting your boss.” “What for?” “He tried to shoot me.” Regi says “And he shot me instead.”

“You’re arresting Dr. Dot?” “Not Dot. Farley Granger. Isn’t he your boss?” “Farley? He shoots at everyone. He doesn’t mean anything by it.”

Rixey nods toward Regi and says. “It means something to the person he hits.” “Well, sure. It’s just that he never has hit anyone before.”

I say “One thing puzzles me.” “What?” “Why do you have year end specials in the middle of the summer?” “Our fiscal year ends in September.”

The Concierge says to Rixey. “You’re also police? Don’t you need some part of your anatomy enhanced?” I say “He’s referring to your penis.”

“Last time I was here cost a fortune and they did nothing.” Rixey smiles “You wanted to enlarge your penis?” Regi says “He didn’t need it.”

Everyone is silent, lost in thought. Then Regi says “After all the damage was to his face.” Everyone says “Ah!” “I was stung by bees.” I say

I don’t blame the bees. While investigating Willum Granger’s murder, I tumbled into a vat of Lavender Blue Dilly Dilly’s surplus perfume.

LBDD had attempted to market perfume to seniors. Their disastrous ‘Scents and Sensibility’ campaign linked smelling good to moral precepts.

(The Twitter Mystery continues daily at @Twitstery)