“Me? Tell me what needs to be fixed and I’ll fix it.” “You don’t get it. I deal with things at the 30,000 foot level. You just muck around.”
“Someone’s got to do it.” “Yes. Just not you.” I think Poe but say “You said I could watch you work. Let’s focus on the reason you’re here.”
Rixey pauses. “Ah yes. Where is the perp who shot at you but hit her?” Regi says “That ‘perp’ is my uncle. What will you do?” “Arrest him.”
“You can’t arrest Farley!” “You’d shield an uncle who shot you? Arkaby, where do you dig up girlfriends?” “She’s not my girlfriend.” “Hey!”
“I mean, she IS my girlfriend, but I didn’t dig her up. I dug up her father.” “Oh?” “I mean, someone else dug him up. That’s the mystery.”
“That’s what you say. I haven’t seen a body yet.” “It’s being autopsied as we speak.” “Fine. Now where do I find this Farley character?”
“Follow me.” Regi and I lead Rixey and his team into the hall just as the man in t-shirt and shorts jogs past. Rixey says “Who is that guy?”
I realize I know him. It’s the Concierge I met the first time I was hospitalized at Body Parts R Us. He billed me $40K for parts not taken.
He had wanted me to trade in my then current body for a brand new model just to make his monthly quota. When I demurred he billed me anyway.
Sweat clouding his brow, the Concierge stops on a dime and gives us a once-over. As he picks up the dime he says “Mr. Arkaby? Miss Granger?”
“Why are you here? Reconsidering corrective surgery? Why have these police come to Body Parts R Us? Are they looking to replace body parts?”
“This is my…I mean, this is YOUR lucky day! You are ALL in luck. We have special end of year deals on a wide range of surgical procedures!”
“We’re not here for clonesmetic surgery. We’re arresting your boss.” “What for?” “He tried to shoot me.” Regi says “And he shot me instead.”
“You’re arresting Dr. Dot?” “Not Dot. Farley Granger. Isn’t he your boss?” “Farley? He shoots at everyone. He doesn’t mean anything by it.”
Rixey nods toward Regi and says. “It means something to the person he hits.” “Well, sure. It’s just that he never has hit anyone before.”
I say “One thing puzzles me.” “What?” “Why do you have year end specials in the middle of the summer?” “Our fiscal year ends in September.”
The Concierge says to Rixey. “You’re also police? Don’t you need some part of your anatomy enhanced?” I say “He’s referring to your penis.”
“Last time I was here cost a fortune and they did nothing.” Rixey smiles “You wanted to enlarge your penis?” Regi says “He didn’t need it.”
Everyone is silent, lost in thought. Then Regi says “After all the damage was to his face.” Everyone says “Ah!” “I was stung by bees.” I say
I don’t blame the bees. While investigating Willum Granger’s murder, I tumbled into a vat of Lavender Blue Dilly Dilly’s surplus perfume.
LBDD had attempted to market perfume to seniors. Their disastrous ‘Scents and Sensibility’ campaign linked smelling good to moral precepts.
(The Twitter Mystery continues daily at @Twitstery)