“I step up to the plastic barrier and say “What’s the problem?” A cop in yellow hazmat says “The lab rats want to contaminate a crime scene.”
“A white-suited BP R U hazmat tech says “These cops will BE biohazard contaminated if they pass this barrier before we finish our tests.”
“I press against the plastic barrier. Both white and yellow teams recoil in horror. “GET BACK!” They scream, waving their hazmat-suited arms.
“”You’ll contaminate us!” “To contaminate or not to contaminate. Hazmat is the question!” I press harder. “Don’t make me come out there!”
“Rixey says “What are you doing?” “Applying psychology to resolve the dispute.” As I speak the barrier falls forward to the ground. “Oops.”
“”I applied too much psychology.” Dot says “You’ve tainted everyone in the corridor!” “They’re in hazmat suits. How are they contaminated?”
“A new white hazmat-suited technician appears and shouts “Who breached containment?” All the white and yellow hazmat technicians point to me.
“”Me? I’m the solution not the problem! We don’t even know for sure that pink stuff is Farley’s remains. He may have given us the pink slip!”
“The new white hazmat says “No he hasn’t. I finished the DNA tests. It’s Farley alright.” Dot says “Any indication of what killed him?” “No.”
“”There’s no indication of infectious biologic agents. We found no chemical residue as from an explosive device. Frankly, we’re stumped.”
“Rixey says “Then how was Granger sprayed all over his safe room?” Dot says “Well, we can rule out suicide.” “I rule out NOTHING!” I replied
“Spontaneous self combustion was not at the top of my list of likely solutions. I hate ceding any ground when it comes to crime deduction.
“Dot says “Maybe this was self inflicted. Then how do you explain the other victim just like this I have in the autopsy lab next door?”
“So Farley isn’t the only one to make a splash. “You have another liquefied body in your lab?” “No, his dead twin Willum. You knew that.”
“I know that. Willum Granger’s body, torn in half by an overzealous surgeon somehow traveled to the Caribbean before I returned it Stateside.
“I know that. Farley Granger’s body, deconstructed into its constituent parts by an unknown medium, has been scattered to the four corners.
“I look around the room. Farley’s figure has become our new ground. McLuhan famously claimed that our media extend our bodies. Now I get it!
“Yellow and white suited techs remove their gear. I say “What’s happening?” Dot says “There’s no biohazard.” “Are we free to go?” “Please.”
“I turn to Regi “Now I can finally solve your uncle’s murder. Let’s get the hell out of here.” She says “I’m ready. What’s our first move?”
“”No more confined spaces or locked rooms! I want the road to rise up to meet me, the wind at my back and the sun shining warm on my face.”
“”I’ll put a spring in my step, a smile on my face and a song in my heart.” Regi says “I’d settle for a change of clothing and a hot meal.”
“”OK. A spring, a smile, a song, a change and a meal. Then a crime to solve!” “And why Dad’s body was stolen and shipped to my med school.”
“”Regi, as long as we’re together, there’s nothing we can’t do!” “You really believe we can’t do nothing?” “I do. We can’t fail!” “Let’s go!”
“I take Regi’s hand and we start down the corridor. Rixey says “Not so fast. Arkaby, you’re under arrest for the murder of Farley Granger.”
(The Twitter Mystery continues daily at @Twitstery)