I wake in the dark. What time is it? Arkaby’s phone says 8:10. To my horror I realize I’ve tweeted in my sleep. I’ve been dream-tweeting.
I fell asleep! Why didn’t anyone come wake me up? Arkaby beside me says “Maybe they thought you needed the rest.” “What are you doing here?”
“I’m not here. You’re still dreaming. I’m waiting for you to bail me out.” “Am I also dreaming I’m tweeting in my sleep?” “No. That’s real.”
“How can I tweet if I’m asleep?” “You’ve invented a way of communicating using social media and theta waves: Dreeting. Or perhaps Tweaming.”
“I don’t WANT to be Tweaming!” “You promised to tweet for me!” Arkaby begins to fade. “NOT while I’m asleep!” “Remember me!” He disappears.
I open my eyes. Am I awake? Arkaby’s phone is in my hand. I say “Seriously?” The phone says “I didn’t catch that.” Great. I’m still asleep.
The phone says “I didn’t catch that. You can ask me to…” The screen displays a list of commands. I say “How did I tweet in my sleep?”
The phone says “I found these sites on sleeping and tweeting…” and then lists a number of web sites. “I don’t want to know how, but why.”
The phone says “OK I found this on the web for ‘Why do people sleep while they tweet’:” Another list of sites. “Never mind.” “Right, then.”
I argued with a cell phone about sleep-tweeting. I can’t sink any lower. The phone says “Lower than tweeting about sinking so low?” “Huh?”
“Hello?” Arkaby’s phone teased me for tweeting. I didn’t know iOS 8 did that. This is the first time I’ve been disparaged by an appliance.
Worse still, it’s following my tweets. The phone says “I’m not sure what you said.” That’s it. I’m leaving the phone outside while I shower.
I’m back. I showered, changed into more presentable clothing and am eating, not a turkey club but a mushroom and cheese omelet. Thanks Mom!
I’m just finishing my coffee when Arkaby’s phone rings. After my recent experience with the phone talking to me I hesitate before answering.
A pause while I type this tweet. The phone keeps ringing. I answer. “Hello?” “Regi?” “Arkaby! Hi! How are you? How are you calling me?”
“On a phone. What took so long to pick up?” “Your phone’s acting weird.” “How so?” “It’s been talking to me.” “Oh. That’s the OS assistant.”
“No. Weirder than that. It’s actually talking.” “Yes. It does that.” The phone says “I’m also a good listener.” Arkaby and I both say “Huh?”
A good listener? Has the phone become sentient? Arkaby says “Who just said that?” I say “Your cell phone. Like I said, something’s weird.”
There’s a long silence. I say “Is either of you still there?” Arkaby and the phone both say “Still here. Just thinking. What? Who is that?”
Arkaby says “Was that my cellphone speaking?” “That’s what I was trying to tell you!” “Is it related to the malfunctioning IVR epidemic?”
A thought occurs to me. “Arkaby, I thought you only get one call in jail. How are you calling me twice?” The phone says “Yes. Explain that!”
(The Twitter Mystery continues daily at @Twitstery)