Leading a Phony Existence — Live-Tweeted Mystery “The Golden Parachute” Continues

Here are Week 119 @Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!

Again the silence was oceanic. Finally from the back of the room a deep voice said “I got a quarter.” It was Big Guy from the holding cell.

He walked to the front. “Anything to get this guy outa here so we get our turn.” He handed me a quarter and returned to his seat. “Thanks!”

The judge said “Take this man to a phone, please!” Rixey attempted to object but the judge held up her hand and said “Don’t even try it!”

They took me to a small holding cell and left the door open. I dropped my quarter in a pay phone across the hall and dialed Regi. No answer.

The phone kept ringing. I stood in my underwear in the lockup hallway considering my options. I had given Regi my phone. Where could she be?

Finally someone answered. “Hello?” “Regi?” “Arkaby! Hi! How are you? How are you calling me?” “On a phone. What took so long to pick up?”

Next to me in the car, Regi says “I was busy and your cell phone was acting weird.” “Weird? How?” “It was talking to me.” “What did it say?”

“It told me I was tweeting in my sleep.” “I thought you were coming to get me. You fell asleep?” “I didn’t mean to. We’ve had a rough week.”

“So you slept and tweeted and then what happened?” “I ate an omelet.” “In your sleep?” “No I woke up.” “Woke up still not coming to get me?”

“That’s when you called. Remember?” “I remember you promised to come get me.” “You were held overnight. You lost your pants. Get over it.”

“It’s something hard to forget.” “What else do you remember?” I thought back to the cold hallway. I could see the desk sergeant at his post.

I had to talk fast before my time ran out. Regi said “My phone’s acting weird.” I said “How so?” “It’s been talking to me.” Talking to her?

Isn’t that what a phone does? Oh. TO her. “That’s the OS assistant.” “No. Weirder than that. It’s actually talking.” “Yes. It does that.”

Regi’s phone said “I’m also a good listener.” We both said “Huh?” I didn’t think a phone OS listened to what was said during a phone call!

Had my phone developed a mind of its own? How? I said “Who just said that?” Regi replied “Your cell phone. Like I said, something’s weird.”

I thought about my phone getting weird with us. When was the last time, outside of prison, when I was without my phone? I couldn’t remember.

I ate with my phone, slept with my phone, took it with me into the bathroom, and not just when I showered. I never was not with my phone.

I led a phony existence. Regi said “Is either of you still there?” The phone and I both said “Still here. Just thinking. What? Who is that?”

My cellphone echoed everything I said! Was it mocking me? To find out, I needed to signal Regi without the phone catching on. I had an idea.

I whispered “Was that my cellphone speaking?” Regi cried “That’s what I was trying to tell you!” That didn’t work. I tried another approach.

“Is it related to the malfunctioning IVR epidemic?” There was a pause and then Regi said “Arkaby, I thought you only get one call in jail.”

(The Twitter Mystery continues daily at @Twitstery)

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