You Can’t Press Something for Nothing! — Live-Tweeted Mystery “The Golden Parachute” Continues




Here are Week 143 @Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!



Regi says “I thought you are helping me find my father.” “I am. I made a wrong turn.” “I’ll say. What is this place?” “A telephone closet.”

“Maybe a walk-in closet. It looks like a data center.” “Let’s find out.” I open the cabinet in front of us and pull out the keyboard tray.

Before I can type anything a voice says “Hola! Bienvenidos a las ‘Partes del Cuerpo son Nosotros’ centro de datos.” Oh no! Not this again!

“Pulse 1 para Inglés. Pulse 2 para continuar en español. ” Regi says “This is easy!” Before I can stop her, she reaches over and presses 0.

“I don’t recognize your selection. Goodbye.” “Oops.” “Why did you do that?” “To connect to an operator.” “You can’t. There is no operator.”

The eyes are still there, staring at us from all sides. “How can there be no operator?” “This is an Interactive Voice Response system.”

“It’s automated.” “Connect me with the IVR operator.” The IVR says “Press 1 to speak to an operator. Press 2 to leave a message.” I press 1.

The IVR continues “Press 3 for technical support. Press 4 to repeat this message.” I press 1. “Press 5 to repeat this message is Spanish.”

I press 1 repeatedly. “To list other languages press 6. To list languages that are not available press 7.” Regi says “Why won’t it respond?”

“I’ve dealt with this IVR before. It suggests every phone key possible until you’re overcome with frustration. It only responds to threats.”

Regi says “You’ve threatened a telephone answering machine?” “I’m not proud about it, but sometimes only a threat of violence gets results.”

The IVR says “I see you’ve pressed 1. I’ll connect you with an operator now.” “Really?” “Just kidding. Press 8 for American Sign Language.”

I say to Regi “See what I mean?” “This is crazy! Who wrote this stuff?” The IVR says “Press 9 for interpretive dance. Press 0 for nothing.”

I’ve had enough. I shout “YOU CAN’T PRESS SOMETHING FOR NOTHING!” The IVR says “I see you’ve pressed nothing. Please hold for an operator.”

I’m not falling for that again. “Let’s get out of here.” Regi goes back to the entrance and pushes on the door. “Perfect. We’re locked in.”

Returning to the console Regi says “Still no phone operator? I’ve never seen a VR system like this. Why would Body Parts R Us need it?”

The IVR says “Press 1 for an answer to your question. Press 2 for wild speculation.” “Huh? Is the IVR talking to us?” “Try pressing 1.”

“What’s the point?” “Let’s let the telephone IVR tell us.” I press 1. “OK. You’ve pressed 1. Body Parts R Us doesn’t need an IVR like this.”

I don’t like that answer. I press 1 again. “You pressed 1. What part of Body Parts R US doesn’t need an IVR like this don’t you understand?”

The IVR continues “Press 1 if you don’t understand the 1st part. Press 2 if you don’t understand the 2nd part. Press 3…” Regi says “What?”

Undaunted, the IVR continues “…if you don’t understand the 3rd part.” I say “What 3rd part?” Regi says “How is the IVR talking to us?”

The Twitter Mystery continues daily at @Twitstery

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