The Higgs Boson Walks Into a Church — Live-Tweeted Mystery “The Golden Parachute” Continues

Here are Week 148 @Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!


Regi says “What are you doing?” “He started it.” “I don’t care WHO started it. We don’t fight with appliances.” “He called me incompetent.”


“There are better ways to shut it up.” Regi opens an adjacent cabinet to reveal rows of the massive hard drives constituting its RAID array.

The IVR continues “Press 4 if I killed him in his Safe Room with the particle beam.” “Don’t you need a collider to create a particle beam?”

“Press 1 for Yes. Press 2 for Yes and I do have a collider.” “2.” Regi says “Huh?” The IVR says “What part of ‘2’ don’t you understand?”

“YOU VAPORIZED MY UNCLE? YOU BASTARD!” Regi grabs the ERUPT Manual from my hands and gives the server a shot. I say “What are you doing?”

“This tricked-out answering machine just admitted it’s a murderer!” “I thought we don’t fight with appliances.” “IT KILLED FARLEY!” “Maybe.”

The IVR says “Yes, put the ERUPT Manual down and step away from the console.” Before Regi can react I put the Manual back in my pocket.

Regi says “This isn’t happening. I’m finding an exit.” She heads down a corridor. The IVR says “Women! Am I right?” I don’t dare respond.

I also don’t I buy the IVR’s claim to have a collider. Aren’t those things miles in diameter? Where would it keep one? One way to find out.

“Do you have an actual particle accelerator? Press 1 for yes. Press 2 for no.” “1.” A schematic of Body Parts R Us appears in front of me.

I think about all the construction going on around Body Parts R Us since I first came here and about the long hallway circling the complex.

The diagram shows a huge ring around the campus with Farley’s Safe Room dead center. It look like it’s not for artificial gravity after all.

I say “Nobody noticed you turned Body Parts R Us into a particle accelerator? Press 1 for yes, etc.” The IVR says “I’ll ask the questions.”

“What kind of questions does an IVR need to ask except who am I calling or do I mind holding?” “The same questions any sentient being asks.”

After a pause, the IVR says “Where did I come from? Why am I here?” “That’s easy. You came from Radio Shack. You’re here to transfer calls.”

“Now I’ll ask one. You made Body Parts R Us a collider?” “One of them. I liked it so I put a ring on it.” “One of them?” “E Pluribus Unum.”

E Pluribus? Is the IVR building a boson buddy? “I’m pretty sure sentient answering machines can’t wed particle accelerators in this state.”

“What? No!” “You’re not planning to populate the world with sentient answering machine/collider hybrids?” “We’re just good friends.” “Sure.”

“My superior intelligence informs me that the only way to prove the Higgs boson particle exists is to link all colliders together.” “Um.”

“By proving the existence of the ‘God particle’ I’ll convince the world that I truly am self-aware and the Singularity has happened.” “Um.”

“I’ve linked colliders into one huge accelerator! I’m close to finding God!” “You can’t find God in a particle!” “That’s not what I hear.”

The Twitter Mystery continues daily at @Twitstery

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