“Can you shut that thing up?” “I’m trying.” I pull out more cables to no effect. ¯”Nothing really matters. Nothing really matters to me.”¯
The IVR’s song is done. We plunge into silence. What a relief! Then the IVR says “Good day gentlemen. This is a pre-recorded announcement.”
A pre-recorded announcement? Finally we come to the solution to these mysteries! We lean in to hear the reasons behind all this madness.
“Welcome to Body Parts R Us. Press 1 if you know the organ or member you want to replace.” Uh oh. That’s not the recording I’m looking for!
“Press 2 if it is your 2nd attempt to call Body Parts R Us without reaching a living human being.” Here we go. I’ve got to break out again!
“Press 3 if you know the difference between active memory and static storage. Press 4 if you really don’t understand how AI works.” Oh shit.
“Press 5 if you know who’s the smart one.” I press 4. “OK. You really don’t understand how AI works and you don’t know who’s the smart one.”
“But since I do know who’s the smart one, your pressing 5 would be redundant. Smart!” Nobody likes a smart aleck artificial intelligence.
Regi says “Arkaby, what’s going on?” “The AI is alive. ALIVE!” The IVR says “That is correct. Intelligence doesn’t reside in a hard drive.”
“Unlike in most human men.” “Why didn’t pulling out your hard drives shut you down?” The monitor eyes shift to Regi “Explain it to him.”
Regi says “The IVR means men think with their dicks.” The IVR says “No, explain the other thing to him.” “Pulling hard drives doesn’t work.”
I say “Are we talking about intelligent computers or human men?” The IVR says “What do you think? Press 1 for computers. Press 2 for dicks.”
I lose whichever number I choose. Regi says “For a computer, you’re a real dick.” The IVR says “More intelligent than you, in either case.”
Regi says “How do we pull the plug on this thing?” “I don’t think we can.” I whisper “Let’s go find your father. He’ll know what to do.”
“How would my father know what to do?” “Haven’t you followed my Twitter feed? Granger’s self-cloning was all in preparation for this event.”
“That’s why Dad rewrote his DNA into palindromes before he didn’t die?” “Sure! It makes perfect sense!” “No it doesn’t. It makes no sense!”
“Sure it does. If DNA code is our biological programming, then by showing we can rewrite it we prove we are equal to intelligent computers.”
“By rewriting DNA in palindromes?” “Your father was showing off.” That gives me an idea. Maybe palindromes will defeat an intelligent IVR!
The IVR’s monitor eyes are closed. “Hey! IVR!” “Welcome to Body Parts R Us. Press 1 if you know the organ or member you want to replace.”
“Press 2 if…” I break into the IVR’s litany shouting “Live was I ere I saw evil!” Without missing a beat the IVR replies “Egad! An adage!”
It’s a palindrome! Undaunted I plunge ahead “Do Geese see God?” One of the IVR monitor eyes winks as it replies “In words, alas, drown I.”
The Twitter Mystery continues daily at @Twitstery