The True Indicator of Artificial Intelligence — Live-Tweeted Mystery “The Golden Parachute” Continues

Here are Week 154 @Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!
The IVR says “Arkaby, this human is tiresome. Press 1 if you would like me to terminate him. Press 2 to have an operator terminate him.”

“Terminate?” “Break his connection.” “Don’t do that.” Rixey says “It knows your name? Let me ask it a question. IVR, you understand me?”

No response. Rixey smirks. I say “That’s not how to talk to it.” “You do it.” “IVR. Do you understand me? Press 1 for yes. Press 2 for no.”

The IVR says “1.” Rixey says “Fine. I’ll take it from here. Do you understand me? Press 1 for yes. Press 2 for no.” The IVR says “2.” “Huh?”

“Clearly the IVR doesn’t understand you.” “How is it answering me?” Dot says “‘No’ is its default response. You have to be more specific.”

I say “IVR. Press 1 if you don’t understand Rixey as in ‘decipher.’ Press 2 if you don’t understand as in ‘appreciate’.” The IVR says “2.”

“See? The IVR doesn’t appreciate you. That shows it’s intelligent.” “You won’t evade justice by pinning your crime on an answering machine.”

“No but I will evade it by getting this IVR artificial intelligence to admit to the crime.” Rixey smiles “That’s something I’d like to see.”

I say “IVR! Did action or inaction on your part result in the death of Farley Granger? Press 1 for yes. Press 2 for no.” The IVR says “1.”

I say “My work is done.” The IVR says “How does my admission help you evade justice? Press 1 for ‘Deus ex Machina.’ Press 2 for ‘it won’t.'”

“It doesn’t make any sense! Why would your IVR kill Farley Granger? ” “Farley built his Safe Room in the middle of the IVR’s accelerator.”

“What?” “The IVR turned BP R U into a giant particle accelerator and linked it with more than 30,000 other accelerators around the world.”

“Including BEPC?” “Yepsy.” “CESR?” “All hail.” “DAFNE?” “Definitely.” “KEK-B?” “Aye.” “CERN?” “Discernably.” “RHIC?” “Rolled.” “TESLA?””No.”

“Why not TESLA?” “Just kidding. TESLA, yesla, and of course, Brookhaven” Regi says “Don’t forget VEPP-3, VEPP-4M and VEPP-2000.” “You bet.”

“Your IVR AI linked all those particle accelerators?” “All linked.” “Why would it do that?” “It wants to find God.” Rixey looks dubious.

Regi says “Don’t you see? The IVR vaporized Farley in a half-baked hunt for a higher being!” “A Machina ex Deus won’t get you off the hook!”

“I can’t use an answering machine’s existential crisis in a court of law!” “But that may be the true indicator of artificial intelligence!”

“Even if this gizmo is intelligent, what motive did it have to kill Granger?” “It was a mistake.” “I thought computers don’t make mistakes.”

I say “You don’t think an intelligent God-seeking interactive voice response system could unintentionally murder Farley Granger?” “Nope.”

As usual, I’m bashing my head against the Rixey wall. Certain of my guilt despite contrary evidence, he’s determined to put me behind bars.

“If you won’t believe in a Holy Ghost in the machine we’re at an impasse.” I’m about to leave it at that when the IVR says “How about this.”

The Twitter Mystery continues daily at @Twitstery

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