How Do You Know When God is Calling? – “The Golden Parachute” Continues!

Here are Week 62 @Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!

“Do I have your word you’ll limit religious activities to the church, mosque or synagogue of your choice?” “Can I have my gun back?” “No.

“Can I at least have my bullets?” “NO!” Dot says “You’re missing the bigger picture. Someone is after Granger’s body. We don’t know who.”

“Could this be a move by Dr. Dash to gain possession Granger’s body?” “Dash wouldn’t use a phone. He’d publish verse in a literary journal.”

“Someone who always seems to know our whereabouts is after the body. How do you suppose they always know our whereabouts?” “I have no idea.”

Regi says “I have an idea. It’s Twitter. Whoever is after my father follows you on Twitter. You’re tweeting right now, aren’t you?” “Maybe.”

“If you tweet everything, that’s how our travels are shadowed.” “You’re wrong. No one follows my account.” “What about @HelloKitty1781?”

I can’t tell Regi I keep tweeting to flush out Granger’s phantom doppelgänger. As soon as I tell her he’ll read the tweet and know my game!

“Ixnay onway ethay elloKitty1781@Hay. Iway an’tcay elltay ouyay ywhay Iway eepkay eetingtway.” My phone chimes. It’s from @HelloKitty1781!

Damn! RT @HelloKitty1781 I speak Pig Latin too you idiot. I’m not following you to steal Granger’s body from you. I sent you to find him!

I show the doppelgänger’s tweet to Regi and Dot. Regi says “You should stop tweeting.” Dot says “You should continue tweeting” “What? Why?”

Dot gestures toward Orville and says “You keep getting intercepted. You’re being followed all right and not just by your doppelgänger.”

“Stop tweeting and lose the only link to your mysterious follower.” “And more importantly, he loses his only link to me.” “Are you sure?”

“Tweet and whoever’s after my father will find him.” “Given his prolonged post-mortem persistence no one will be after him.” “Are you sure?”

“To tweet or not to tweet. Is that the question?” “Shut up, Orville” I explain. “Are you sure?” For the first time in my life, I’m scared.

The game is afoot and I stand at a crossroad. I continue to tweet with the probability my comments are monitored. If I stop I learn nothing.

I tighten a vagrant shoelace. Now I’m ready to take a stand. “If I stop tweeting the story ends.” Regi says “You know, I think you’re nuts!”

“You’re going to keep tweeting?” “I tweet therefore I am.” “Twittlesticks! You go barging around without a clear idea of what you’re doing.”

“This is a newsflash to you?” “Everybody bats you down, smacks you over the head and you keep right on hitting between tackle and end.”

“Do you know which side you’re on?” “I don’t know which side anybody’s on or who’s even playing.” Dot says “Please don’t be on my side.”

Airport security surrounds our plane. As Orville is handcuffed he says “Farewell my lovelies. Better to reign in Heaven than serve in Hell.”

Regi says “I still don’t get it. Why does he think God phoned him?” “The mind is its own place can make a Heaven of cell, a cell of Heaven.”

(The Twitter Mystery continues daily at @Twitstery)

Athiests Don’t Have No Songs! – “The Golden Parachute” Continues!

Here are Week 61@Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!

There’s a place you go in your mind at times like these. You don’t know why the pilot points the gun at you. You don’t know what to expect.

Unfortunately, buckled into a four-seater Cessna I can’t go there. Regi whispers “Don’t remove any clothing.” I say “I’m way ahead of you.”

“You fool! Fire that pistol and the entire aircraft will decompress. We’ll be dead in seconds!” “We’ve been on the ground for ten minutes.”

That didn’t work, but I notice Orville’s hand shaking. In the air he’s a great pilot. On the ground he loses his nerve. It’s my only chance.

“Orville you make me nervous. Would you aim that somewhere else?” “Oh. Sure. Sorry.” As he lowers the gun I reach out and take it from him.

“Hey! Give that back!” I slap his hand. “Not yet. Who are you working for?” Dot says “Whoever it is, I’m not paying for this flight.” “Hey!”

“Who sent you?” “No one.” I slap him again. “That’s really annoying and it doesn’t hurt that much.” I hit him one more time. “Stop that!”

“I ask again. Who sent you?” “I’ll answer again. No one. I’m on a divine mission. I was sent by the voice of God. ” “You heard God?” “Yes.”

Uh oh. The guy who’s piloting our plane hears from God. Suddenly David doesn’t look so bad. “God told you to seize Granger’s corpse?” “Yes.”

Regi says “God came to you and told you to do this?” “Actually He phoned me.” Dot says “I’m definitely not paying for this flight.” “Hey!”

“How do you know it was God phoning you?” “Because He said ‘Hello Orville? This is God.'” “And you believed him?” “I used my iBelieve app.”

“God phones it in? Wouldn’t he speak to you directly?” “If I told you that you’d say I hear voices and I’m crazy.” “You ARE crazy!” “See?”

Regi says “I don’t think that was God on your line. I think you’re the victim of a phone scam.” “My God, My God, why have you phishaken me!”

“Don’t be such a martyr! You were eager enough to sell us out when you thought it was the Deity calling.” “That’s my crossed line to bear.”

Dot says “We don’t know who persuaded you to turn Judas on us or why. Did you notice their Caller ID?” “Hell if I know. It was blocked.”

Regi says “How in heaven’s name can you pull out a gun and hijack my father’s body based on a phone call from an unnamed source?” “Faith.”

“Faith in an authority you can’t see or verify?” “That’s what faith is.” “I think you’re mistaking a phony instigator for a higher power.”

“I wouldn’t say that.””Would you say a phone phisher fooled your facile faith to finagle her former father?” “I don’t think I CAN say that.”

I’ve won the theological dispute but there’s a matter of criminal justice. Orville committed several misdemeanors and at least one felony.

If I let him off with a stern warning not to use his cell religiously, how do I know he won’t succumb once again to faith-based telephonies?

I can’t risk being hung up at Customs. No longer on active duty, I’m traveling with a purloined cadaver under dubious circumstances myself.

(The Twitter Mystery continues daily at @Twitstery)

Best Laid Plans of Mice and Men! – “The Golden Parachute” Continues!

Here are Week 60 @Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!

Dot says “Exactly my point. Look, we’ve landed. Let me handle things from here and we’ll take your father out to Body Parts R Us together.”

“One question. What did my father do to himself?” “Only Granger understood his self-modifications. His body of work was left unfinished.”

“Someone once told me Granger wanted super powers to prepare for when there might be no tools.” “What in the world are you talking about?”

“Let’s put two and two together.” “Four.” “I mean let’s square the circle.” “Pi squared.” “I mean let’s figure out what C-A-T spells.””Cat.”

“Let me spell it out. Your father made power enhancing palindromes from his DNA nucleotide sequencing in order to become more than human.”

“Why DNA palindromes? Because he learned of secret plans to modify the very structure of reality and return the universe to a simpler time.”

What secret plans? A scheme detailed in the book I rescued from the wreckage of your medical school which was dealing in illicit cadavers.”

“Which illicit cadavers? Bodies inadvertently including your father’s undying remains, imported to support a burgeoning student enrollment.”

“Why was enrollment burgeoning? To cover budget deficits brought about by a laissez-faire management structure and easy Federal loan money.”

“Granger’s enhanced effort to thwart the paradigm shifting stratagem was severed, as was he, by fast-melting sutures from his last surgery.”

“No one knew that DNA composing would affect post-mortem decomposing by rendering him unpalatable to microbes that turn flesh to the dust.”

“Hidden within the DNA changes Granger performed on his own body lies the solution to preventing the reality changes of the ERUPT manual.”

“When will changes occur? I’m guessing soon. From beyond the grave Granger implored me to save the reality we’ve all come to know and love.”

“Who is behind this? Also unknown, but they’re onto us, they’re after us and given half a chance, they’ll alter us. Sounds crazy, I know.”

Regi says “No crazier than anything else you’ve said.” “That’s why it’s imperative we get Granger back to Body Parts R Us immediately.”

“With Granger dead but not departed, it’s up to me to unearth these paradigm perverters and permanently prevent their plan from prospering.”

“Here’s my plan: Deliver Granger’s body of evidence; decipher his palindrome DNA; disrupt the paradigm reversion; distribute new Shillings.”

Orville turns and there’s a gun in his hand. “I’m afraid it’s not so simple.” I tell Regi. “Get behind me.” “Behind you? In a four-seater?”

I turn back to the pilot. “Seems pretty simple to me.” Orville says “First of all, it’s a fool’s quest to try to reintroduce the Shilling.”

“Second, it’s extremely difficult to disrupt a paradigm shift. Third, The Doc doesn’t have the knowledge to decipher Granger’s altered DNA.”

“Fourth, I’m taking his body.” “OK. It’s not simple. I never had faith in the Shilling thing anyway. Are you ready to use that gun?” “Yes.”

(The Twitter Mystery continues daily at @Twitstery)

I Refute It Thus! …Ouch! – “The Golden Parachute” Continues!

Here are Week 59 @Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!

 

“A figment affirming a figment. Do you refute I am merely the sum of my tweets?” “Sure. I refute it thus” She jabs me hard in the ribs. OOF! 

Where’s Bishop Berkeley when you really need him? Regi says “Ow! I broke a nail! I guess I exist too.” Orville says “We’re cleared to land.”

 

Dot says “I’ll handle entry for Granger’s body. You two go through Customs and meet my car in front.” Regi says “I’m not leaving my father.”

 

“And I’m not going ’til I finish my plans.” “What plans?” “First, deliver Willum Granger’s earthly remains to Body Parts R Us for analysis.”

 

“I’ve already got him.” “OK. Job done.” Regi says “Just because you’re helping us through US Customs doesn’t mean I give BP R U possession.”

 

“Regi, we need to determine if this really is your original father and why his body hasn’t decomposed. Dot is the only one we can trust.”

 

“Trust a man who put a clone of my Dad on display in his museum?” “You don’t object to the statue of your father, why care about the clone?”

 

Dot put a Granger clone and a life-size statue in the BP R U Museum. At the base of the statue it read “Often duplicated, never imitated.”

 

I‘ll try describing the look Regi gives me in 140 characters or less. A blend of wilting glower, stoic surrender and discerning disdain.

Dot says “I’ll answer that. Built from Granger’s unmodified DNA, you could argue the clone is the original and Granger is the counterfeit.”

 

“Your father rewrote his gene sequences into palindromes. At the same time he tweaked things like mitochondrial uptake and immune response.”

 

Regi says “What?” “At the time of his death Willum Granger was no longer himself. I’m the best person to figure out who, or what he became.”

 

Regi says “What?” I say “I’ll answer that. What Dot means is that your father changed his genes more often than Congress repeals Obamacare.”

 

“I don’t mean ‘what?’ I don’t understand what Dot said. I mean ‘what?’ I don’t believe you’re actually saying what you’re saying.” “What?”

 

Dot says “Do you realize what your father became?” “He became dead, horribly dead. I won’t let you taint his legacy with medical meddling.”

 

“There’s so much to learn.” “As Director of Body Parts R Us you were his surgeon. Why don’t you know how his DNA changes affected him?”

 

“Granger kept his cards close to his chest, wore his heart on his sleeve, worked his fingers to the bone.” “And ended up with bony fingers?”

 

“He made DNA palindromes. He called his work genetic esthetics.” “He modified his DNA for that?” “Anyway, Dash did most of the surgeries.”

 

“What were you, his pet monkey?” I‘ll try describing the look Dot gives me in 140 characters or less. Before I begin Regi says “Screw it.”

 

“Go ahead and take the body. I’ll be watching you. Try not to lose him again.” I say “Don’t forget he’s evidence in a major criminal case.”

(The Twitter Mystery continues daily at @Twitstery)

Holy Wild Goose Chase! – “The Golden Parachute” Continues!

Here are Week 58 @Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!

Dot flips through the ERUPT manual “‘Due to overuse of support hot lines, We must limit free online support to the first 90 days of life.'”

“‘Support after that carries a nominal charge. Added staff will cut wait time from the current 1-2 millennia to just a few hundred years.'”

“There you have the reason why this installment has taken so long.” “Sure, Him and George R.R. Martin.” Orville says “You’re kidding right?”

“Do you honestly believe this is a sort of new New Testament?” “Do you honestly believe that He said all He has to say in just two volumes?”

Regi whispers “Ixnay on upsetting the ilotpay. He may be a religious undamentalistfay.” “What?” “I can hear you two and I speak pig latin.”

“I’d hate for you to go on a Geadh-Glas chase.” “More pig latin?” “Celtic for wild goose. Means Holy Spirit.” “Won’t be the first time.”

“Early Celtics called to the Holy Spirit “An Geadh-Glas”-wild goose-because it was thought wild not to be tracked nor tamed.” “Just like me”

Regi snorts. “You are certainly some kind of goose.” “I’m not saying this book is divinely inspired. I’m saying someone thinks THEY are.”

Orville says “Say you’re sorry or I’m turning this plane around.” “I’m sure George R.R. Martin has great online support.” “Not what I mean.”

Dot says “This plane is my charter. We’re not going back.” “Fine. I need to land now anyway.” “Fine. I need to plan my next move anyway.”

The pilot chatters with the control tower as I make plans. First, deliver Willum Granger’s earthly remains to Body Parts R Us for analysis.

After what happened before, I don’t trust the City Morgue. Second, track down the doppelGranger and make him squawk. Enough running around!.”

Enough being led around by a conman and a fraud! I don’t care if he’s a ghost, a clone or Granger back from the dead! I will hunt him down!

@Twitstery Good luck with that. You couldn’t find your own ass with a pair of Google Glasses!

I’ve had it wandering around in the dark on this case! When I catch up with him…uh oh. I just got a direct message from “@HelloKitty1781.”

RT @HelloKitty1781 Good luck with that. You couldn’t find your own ass with a pair of Google Glasses! | Are you following me on Twitter?

HelloKitty1781! That’s the name of the account Granger’s murderer used to follow me on Twitter! He nearly put me in a permanent deep freeze!

How did Granger’s doppelgänger get that account? What weird game is he playing? How can he be in two places at once, both dead and not dead?

I once wondered if he was a figment brought on by an undigested bit of beef, a crumb of cheese. Now he’s reaching out to me through Twitter!

Tweeting, he lacks physical presence; he exists incorporeally. Could this entire case be a fantasy? It makes me question my own existence.

Regi asks “What are you tweeting?” “About whether I exist.” My phone chimes “@Twitstery Of course you exist you idiot!” I show it to Regi.

“@HelloKitty1781? That’s A’s Twitter account.” “Your father’s doppelgänger got hold of it.” “So he does exist!” “It’s not proof either way.”
(The Twitter Mystery continues daily at @Twitstery)