Ten Signs Your Computer Has a Virus — Live-Tweeted Mystery “The Golden Parachute” Continues

Here are Week 144 @Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!

“It’s not really talking to us. These are canned responses someone programmed into the system.” “Really?” “Sure. What else could it be?”

The IVR says “I didn’t get your response. Please try again.” Regi whispers “It’s talking to us. What should we do?” I say “I’ve got this.”

I stand before the console “Do you mean get my response as in ‘understand’ or as in ‘receive’? Press 1 for understand. Press 2 for receive.”

Simultaneously Regi and the IVR say “What are you doing?” “Speaking IVR.” They both say “No you’re not!” “I didn’t get your response.”

Silence. Then the IVR says “2.” “OK. You didn’t get my response. Um.” Uh oh. I forgot the question. This IVR stuff is harder than I thought!

“Can you repeat my choices?” The IVR says “Yes.” Another silence. Regi says “I’m going to look for another way out.” “Wait. I’ve got this.”

On a whim I press *. The IVR says “You pressed *. Your dry cleaning will be ready Monday.” I press the # key. The IVR says “# you too.”

Regi says “Are we being pwned? The IVR acts like a person!” “I’ll try a Turing test.” “A what?” “A test to tell a computer from a person.”

“You’re a police detective. How do you know anything about a Detouring test?” “Turing, not detouring. Named after a computer scientist.”

“How does it work?” “I ask it a series of questions and by its responses I’ll know if it’s man or computer.” “Or phone answering machine?”

“An IVR is just another type of computer.” “We’re not talking to an IVR. There’s a person behind a curtain somewhere.” “Let’s find out.”

“IVR, are you there? Press 1 for yes, press 2 for no.” The IVR says “1.” “Are you human or machine? Press 1 for human, press 2 for machine.”

The IVR says “2.” “That settles that.” Regi says “No it doesn’t! A human could say that!” “IVR are you man or machine? The IVR says “2.”

“Asked and answered.” Regi pushes me from the console and types “Prove that you aren’t human!” The IVR says “Sorry. I didn’t get that.”

I say “You can’t ask it a direct question like that. A Turing question will catch it off guard.” Regi steps back and says “It’s your show.”

It’s my move. I need to know 3 things. What’s the IVR’s modus operandi? What’s its formal praxis? What’s this sticky stuff on the keyboard?

It looks like tapioca. “Did you sneeze on the keyboard just now?” “No. Why?” “Take a look.” Regi leans in then leans out. “Eww! What is it?”

Regi examines her fingertips. Finds nothing. Wipes them on my shirt anyway. “It wasn’t there a minute ago. What are you going to do now?”

“Let’s move to another keyboard.” We shift to the next server cabinet. That keyboard is also covered with ooze. I quickly close the door.

The third cabinet exhibits the same gooey contamination. Eyes watching from each monitor look bloodshot and rheumy. Then the IVR sneezes.

I say “What the hell is going on?” The IVR says “Sorry about the mess. I’m fighting a virus.” Was this just a ruse to avoid my Turing test? 


The Twitter Mystery continues daily at @Twitstery

You Can’t Press Something for Nothing! — Live-Tweeted Mystery “The Golden Parachute” Continues

Here are Week 143 @Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!

Regi says “I thought you are helping me find my father.” “I am. I made a wrong turn.” “I’ll say. What is this place?” “A telephone closet.”

“Maybe a walk-in closet. It looks like a data center.” “Let’s find out.” I open the cabinet in front of us and pull out the keyboard tray.

Before I can type anything a voice says “Hola! Bienvenidos a las ‘Partes del Cuerpo son Nosotros’ centro de datos.” Oh no! Not this again!

“Pulse 1 para Inglés. Pulse 2 para continuar en español. ” Regi says “This is easy!” Before I can stop her, she reaches over and presses 0.

“I don’t recognize your selection. Goodbye.” “Oops.” “Why did you do that?” “To connect to an operator.” “You can’t. There is no operator.”

The eyes are still there, staring at us from all sides. “How can there be no operator?” “This is an Interactive Voice Response system.”

“It’s automated.” “Connect me with the IVR operator.” The IVR says “Press 1 to speak to an operator. Press 2 to leave a message.” I press 1.

The IVR continues “Press 3 for technical support. Press 4 to repeat this message.” I press 1. “Press 5 to repeat this message is Spanish.”

I press 1 repeatedly. “To list other languages press 6. To list languages that are not available press 7.” Regi says “Why won’t it respond?”

“I’ve dealt with this IVR before. It suggests every phone key possible until you’re overcome with frustration. It only responds to threats.”

Regi says “You’ve threatened a telephone answering machine?” “I’m not proud about it, but sometimes only a threat of violence gets results.”

The IVR says “I see you’ve pressed 1. I’ll connect you with an operator now.” “Really?” “Just kidding. Press 8 for American Sign Language.”

I say to Regi “See what I mean?” “This is crazy! Who wrote this stuff?” The IVR says “Press 9 for interpretive dance. Press 0 for nothing.”

I’ve had enough. I shout “YOU CAN’T PRESS SOMETHING FOR NOTHING!” The IVR says “I see you’ve pressed nothing. Please hold for an operator.”

I’m not falling for that again. “Let’s get out of here.” Regi goes back to the entrance and pushes on the door. “Perfect. We’re locked in.”

Returning to the console Regi says “Still no phone operator? I’ve never seen a VR system like this. Why would Body Parts R Us need it?”

The IVR says “Press 1 for an answer to your question. Press 2 for wild speculation.” “Huh? Is the IVR talking to us?” “Try pressing 1.”

“What’s the point?” “Let’s let the telephone IVR tell us.” I press 1. “OK. You’ve pressed 1. Body Parts R Us doesn’t need an IVR like this.”

I don’t like that answer. I press 1 again. “You pressed 1. What part of Body Parts R US doesn’t need an IVR like this don’t you understand?”

The IVR continues “Press 1 if you don’t understand the 1st part. Press 2 if you don’t understand the 2nd part. Press 3…” Regi says “What?”

Undaunted, the IVR continues “…if you don’t understand the 3rd part.” I say “What 3rd part?” Regi says “How is the IVR talking to us?”

The Twitter Mystery continues daily at @Twitstery

At Least I’m No Longer Circling the Drain — Live-Tweeted Mystery “The Golden Parachute” Continues

Here are Week 142 @Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!

“Talk to Dr. Dot or Dr. Dash. They’ll know what’s really going on.” Regi says “We NEED to find my father before something terrible happens.”

“You two can stand here arguing about gravity. Concierge, where is my father’s lab?” “I told you. I don’t know.” “Then I’ll find it myself.”
Regi takes off, disappears around the hall. I follow. As I round the turn the Concierge yells “Wait! I think you’re going the wrong way!”

I race to catch Regi. Running in artificial gravity is hard! I pass the Genetics Museum and the Concierge in front of Farley’s Safe Room.

I press on. After what seems like a revolution I again come upon the Concierge is still standing where I left him. What happened to Regi?

Winded, I stop at a familiar door. This the same ICU room they put me in after my parallel universe parking fugue left me unconscious!

A, my nemesis, tricked me into using multiple devices while driving. I entered a mental fugue and I tried to park in two spaces at the once.

I woke up in this very ICU, prepped for cosmetic surgery. Tethered to an IV and a catheter, I was reduced to watching cartoon fairy tales.

I had forgotten that Body Parts R Us is a surgical hospital AND a cloning research lab. What strange twist of fate has led me back here?

How have my adventures lead me back to this pre-op room? There’s only one way to find out. I try Googling it to no effect. Time for Plan B.

There’s no warning sign on the door so I open it and walk in. Maybe there should be a warning sign. I’m in some sort of telephone closet.

It’s not a closet. Row after row of computer-filled equipment cabinets stretch off into the distance. I’ve wandered into a vast data center!

This isn’t my former hospital room after all. I am alone in a hall filled with computers. I step up to the first cabinet and peer inside.

Not just pcs. Cabinets I first thought contained just computers turn out to also hold a compendium of data peripherals and storage devices.

As I stare into one enormous monitor a pair of eyes appear onscreen and stare back at me. That’s spooky. Unless I’m looking at my own eyes.

I wink and the monitor eyes wink back. I wink the other eye. Ditto the monitor eyes. I close both eyes. Now I’m in the dark. I open my eyes.

The eyes are still there. Really spooky. I glance at other cabinets and eyes stare back from each one. I wink again and they all wink back.

As I stand contemplating which eye to wink next a hand falls on my arm. “Yikes!” I note, jumping a foot in the air. “Yuk! What is all this?”

It’s Regi. “Wait. Don’t tell me.” She points at the monitor in front of us. “That’s my nightmare tonight. That’s my bad dream tomorrow.”

She gestures towards the next case. “And that will haunt me for a month.” She turned to me. “Did I startle you?” “No, the floor is cold.”

“How can you tell? You’re not barefoot.” Time to change the topic. “How did you know I was in here?” “I asked the Concierge where you went.”

The Twitter Mystery continues daily at @Twitstery

Gravity is Just a Theory — Live-Tweeted Mystery “The Golden Parachute” Continues

Here are Week 141 @Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!

“Who gave the order to turn the square into a circle, and why?” “It had to be Farley Granger. He has the final say on all construction.”

“Farley’s dead.” “He HAD the final say.” “It doesn’t make sense that Farley Granger would order this reconstruction of all these hallways.”

Regi says “Circle or square, why does it matter what shape the hallway is in?” “If I’m correct, it makes all the matter in the universe.”

I stand at the police-taped entrance to Farley’s Safe Room and gesture right and left. “Where have you seen a structure shaped like this?”

The Concierge says “A submarine?” “A circular submarine?” “I mean the closeness and sense of claustrophobia.” Regi says “A hamster habitat?”

They do look like a submarine hamster habitat but that doesn’t support my theory. “These halls look like the Jupiter spacecraft in ‘200l.'”

Regi looks dubious “No they don’t.” “You don’t see it? It’s obvious as the nose on the Concierge’s face.” The Concierge says “No it isn’t.”

Regi says “OK, so it looks like a space ship. What does it mean?” “Someone is trying to generate artificial gravity in Body Parts R Us.”

The Concierge says “That’s ridiculous. We don’t need to generate artificial gravity. We’ve got enough of the natural kind to go around.”

I say “There’s no other possible explanation for why someone would convert square hallways into a circle.” Regi says “What about hamsters?”

What about hamsters? Regi’s question makes me stop and think. It this reconstruction is for hamsters wouldn’t the passages be a lot smaller?

And why would hamsters need artificial gravity anyway? I say “This is bigger than hamsters.” The Concierge says “But just as unlikely.”

“Do you have a better reason for the creation of your circular halls?” “I would know if someone here was generating artificial gravity.”

“You can distinguish artificial from real gravity?” “I don’t. I give both equal weight.” The Concierge’s answer makes me feel light-headed.

He asks “Where does is your artificial gravity come from anyway?” “Just as the Earth rotates on its axis, we are rotating around BP R U.”

Regi says “If there’s artificial reality shouldn’t we feel heavier?” “Artificial reality?” “I said gravity.” “You said reality.” “I didn’t.”

I show Regi my Twitter feed. “See? You said reality.” “That’s what you said I said. Who do you believe, me or your lying Twitter account?”

I don’t have an answer. Luckily I have a solution. “OK. You said gravity. No. You wouldn’t feel heavier if the artificial gravity is 1G.”

“The point is the entire Body Parts R Us building is now one huge centrifuge.” The Concierge says “That makes no sense. Who would do that?”

“Our scientists are involved with cloning body parts. They don’t use artificial gravity to do their work.” “Someone altered your building.”

“These are all very complex things. Gravity where did it come from?” “Isaac Newton discovered gravity. Before him it was a matter of faith.”

The Twitter Mystery continues daily at @Twitstery